Everyone’s favorite worst part of the NFL season is almost here – the NFL Draft. The Draft itself is exciting as fans’ optimism bubbles over as teams have the opportunity to add talented, young players to improve their rosters.
The lead up to the draft, however, is excruciating. The speculation, the over-analysis, the sweeping declarations about a player’s worth in the NFL despite that player not having played a down in the NFL… the mock drafts.
Mock drafts are everywhere this time of year. Everyone has one. No one is going to be correct, and everyone’s listings are moot the second a team makes a trade or makes a selection nobody saw coming.
So with my dislike of mock drafts well-documented, the only logical next step was to put one together. So, with the help of the great Ronnie Hampston, here is the definitive TSFJ 2016 NFL Mock Draft.
1. St. Louis Rams – Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota State. Or maybe Jared Goff. Or Maybe someone else.
It’s not like it really matters though. Jeff Fisher is their head coach. They could draft prime Tom Brady and still go 8-8.
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Mark Wahlberg, Actor, Boston
Have you SEEN Invincible?
3. San Diego Chargers – Jared Goff, QB, Cal
Father Time is undefeated, and Philip Rivers’ days are numbered as a starter. Goff would be the perfect replacement to learn under Rivers and in the process, he can learn how to appropriately wear a bolo tie.
4. Dallas Cowboys – Johnny Manziel, QB, Cleveland Browns
Jerry Jones missed the opportunity to draft Johnny Manziel in 2014, and he sure as hell isn’t going to do it again. He managed to justify having Greg Hardy on his team, so doing the same for Manziel should be easy.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars – A player that Eddie Maisonet, III will appreciate and type out their full name while on Twitter when something amazing happens.
“DEFOREST MAXIMUS ALABASTER BARTHOLOMEW BUCKNER III” – @edthesportsfan, probably… eventually… definitely. –RH
6. Miami Dolphins (via Baltimore) – DJ Khaled, We the Best University
The Dolphins trade up 7 spots to draft DJ Khaled. Will he help block and protect for Ryan Tannehill, or will he provide his daily dose of cloth talk. Wherever he is placed, he will be a major key to their success. –RH
7. San Francisco 49ers – Chris Jones, DT, Mississippi State
What’s that? You had a late first/early second round grade on Jones? Well has Trent Baalke got news for you… –KM
8. Cleveland Browns – LeBron James, King of Ohio, St. Vincent-St. Mary
Isn’t it LeBron’s job to get another ring for every professional sports team in the City of Cleveland? Joe Haden, it might be time to switch your number. –RH
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Ezekiel Elliott’s abs, Abdominal Muscles, Ohio State
There were some questions about Jameis Winston’s fitness last year, so what better choice than to bring in some of the top abs in the draft to get Winston in better playing shape. If you’re unfamiliar with Elliott’s core muscles, watch 47 seconds of any Ohio State game, he’ll show you eventually. –KM
10. Detroit Lions (via New York Giants) Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
Wait… who let Matt Millen in the Lions’ war room? –KM
11. Chicago Bears – Theo Epstein, GM, Chicago Cubs
The Cubs were in a much bigger tailspin than the Bears and Epstein turned them around in approximately 14 minutes. Give Epstein the keys and the Bears are Super Bowl contenders this season. –KM
12. New Orleans Saints – Kamari Murphy, Forward, University of Miami
The Saints felt the loss of Jimmy Graham last season, so they’ll try to replicate his success by taking the six-foot-eight, 220 pound Murphy from the Hurricanes’ basketball team that Graham once played on. –KM
13. Baltimore Ravens (via Miami) – Ray Lewis’ Bigen hair spray
I mean, have you seen Uncle Ray-Ray’s hair? –RH
14. Oakland Raiders – Marshawn Lynch, RB, California
The hell with retirement. It would be a match made in football heaven to see Beast Mode tote the rock in the Town. –RH
15. Tennessee Titans – Does it matter?
They won’t sniff the playoffs. –RH
16. New York Giants (via Detroit) – The best wide receiver available
Why build an offensive line when you can have all of the wide receivers? –KM
17. Atlanta Falcons – Sir Foster, Organist, Atlanta Hawks
If the Falcons are going to suck and pump in artificial noise, they might as well make it fun for everyone. -KM
18. Indianapolis Colts – A barber
Someone needs to cut Andrew Luck’s hideous neck heard. -RH
19. Buffalo Bills – Benjamin Brady, Child, Tom Brady
The son of Tom Brady may only be six years old, but drafting him this early will eliminate any plans that the New England Patriots have for the sequel to Belichick and Brady in the year 2034. -RH
20. New York Jets – Freddie Roach, Boxing Trainer, Dedham, MA
With Geno Smith fully healthy, and with Ryan Fitzpatrick not under contract, Smith appears to have a chance to win the starting QB job with the Jets. If Smith fails to pay another teammate, famous boxing trainer Freddie Roach will be there to teach Smith the appropriate way to bob-and-weave away from punches. -RH
21. Washington [Redacted] – The Wrong Player
Washington already screwed their future to acquire Robert Griffin III. The chances that they get this pick right are about as high as the chances I start at quarterback for the 49ers this year.-KM
22. Houston Texans – Paxton Lynch, Memphis
Although Brock Osweiler is the new signal caller in town, it never hurts to have multiple quarterbacks. Lynch is around the same height as Osweiler, and he has the same facial hair as Iron Man, having him in the City of Screw could be very interesting for the outlook of the Texans. -RH
23. Minnesota Vikings – Artie Burns, CB, Miami
Teddy Bridgewater and Artie Burns sound like the name of two detectives in a buddy cop movie I would definitely pick up from the five-dollar bin at Wal-Mart. -KM
24. Cincinnati Bengals – An uber-talented defensive player
This player will also draw many untimely unsportsmanlike conduct penalties that will make them lose important games. -RH
25. Pittsburgh Steelers – DeAngelo Williams’ Twitter account
Have you seen Mr. Williams’ tweets? If not, ask Peyton Manning about them. -RH
26. Seattle Seahawks – Some guy you’ve probably never heard of, LB, a lower-tier Power Five school
This player will almost certainly make the Pro Bowl three times in the next four seasons. He’ll also single-handedly win them a game or two during the season. He’s also a 9/11 truther, probably. -KM
27. Green Bay Packers – Future Hall of Famer, WR, Doesn’t Matter
Aaron Rodgers will surely mask every flaw this receiver has and turn him into the Second Coming. Davante Adams missed this opportunity, surely the next receiver will not. -KM
28. Kansas City Chiefs – Tony Horton, Trainer, P90X
Have you seen the most recent pictures of Green Bay Packers tailback Eddie Lacy? I feel that Tony Horton can work the same magic with Andy Reid. A fit and lean Andy Reid would be very interesting to see roaming the sidelines in KC. If Horton can help with weight management, perhaps he can also help with late-game clock management. -RH
29. Arizona Cardinals – LL Cool J, Rapper/Actor, New York
The Cardinals will never truly flourish until Bruce Arians steps up his Kangol game. Who better to help take him to the next level than one of the most famous Kangol wearers? Plus, in light of Arians’ recent comments blaming mothers for a lack of participation in football, a player who had an album titled “Mama Said Knock You Out” will be an immediate fit culture-wise. -KM
30. Carolina Panthers – Russell Westbrook, G, Oklahoma City Thunder
Cam Newton needs someone to dance with, and Westbrook takes his dancing very seriously. Westbrook also doesn’t smile much while he plays, which will be a welcome sight for those who can’t stand watching athletes like Newton who enjoy themselves. -KM
31. Denver Broncos – Cliff Robinson a.k.a. Uncle Spliffy, University of Connecticut
Robinson enjoyed a successful 17 year NBA career, but with his new ventures in the marijuana field, placing him Denver would be an ideal fit. -RH
N/A. New England Patriots – They don’t have a first round pick because of Deflategate
Remember Deflategate? Roger Goodell’s insane witch hunt to bust the Patriots for what amounted to nothing? Yeah. That whole saga ended with the Patriots losing their first round pick. They lost a first round pick for something nobody, not even the team that was “victimized,” cared about. Roger Goodell is unequivocally the worst. -KM
Experiment 626. Coffee drinker and cat enthusiast. Pro-avocado. Anti-sac bunt. Habitual bat flipper. Alex Smith apologist. Yoenis Cespedes fanboy.