Here's The 13 Things We'd Like To See In Super Bowl XLIX

Super Bowl XLIX is almost here as the defending champion Seattle Seahawks and the dynasty-chasing New England Patriots prepare to do battle in the desert. Regardless of what the media might tell you, there is actually an awesome game about to take place. This post is about the things we'd love to see happen during the Super Bowl. What we won't be talking about is Deflategate or why Marshawn Lynch should or should not talk to the media. We're not here for that.

So, get your popcorn ready, and listen as we shock the world with the 13 things we'd love to see happen in Super Bowl XLIV!

Marshawn Lynch to go Kam Chancellor on somebody

The one thing I'd really like to see in Super Bowl XLIX won't happen, sadly. Why? Because the thing I'd like to see more than anything else is Seattle Seahawks second-year defensive tackle Jordan Hill come cup with a big sack or run stuff, a la former fellow Penn State defensive tackle Jay Alford, who got the final sack on Tom Brady when the surprise New York Giants toppled the previously undefeated New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. But Hill was injured in Seattle's regular-season finale and finds himself on injured reserve.

So in lieu of that, I'd like to see something else that probably won't happen because the chances everything lines up are nearly impossible. But here goes: I'd like to see Marshawn Lynch absolutely light up a New England defender off a turnover — fumble, interception, doesn't matter — and lay wood the way his teammate Kam Chancellor does on the regular. Ideally, I'll be eating Skittles while this happens. -- The Rev

Revis and Sherman to show the world what elite corners look like

Two of the best cornerbacks of their generation will be on center stage Sunday night, and I'm 100% here for it. For a number of years Darrelle Revis has been the gold standard of defensive backs, and now that Revis Island is under the evil control of Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots, it almost feels unfair for the duo to be together.

On the other side, Richard Sherman has proven definitively that he is the man on the field and off of it. The biggest mouth in the league has stood up for his teammates, stood up against the hypocritical regime that is the NFL and he's stood up as the leader of a defense that could go down as an all-time great if Seattle wins a second consecutive Super Bowl. I'm here for Revis and Sherman, and I hope Russell Wilson and Tom Brady throw in their direction all game. -- Ed The Sports Fan

Patriots' longevity to win out over Seahawks' brashness

I just want to see the Patriots win. Through the last few years, we've seen Seattle go from losing-record wild-card team to dominant powerhouse. New England has been there for a while now, despite losses in its last two Super Bowl appearances. At this point I have more begrudging admiration for the Patriots' longevity than the Seahawks' brashness. Neither team is cute and cuddly enough to warm up to. As much as it pains me to say it, I hope Bill Simmons is a happy man on Sunday night. -- M. Trible

All the gritty, gutty and scrappy from the New England wideouts

There's nothing quite like hearing some people talk about a white wide receiver.

"Man, he has heart!"

"That guy is scrappy; he plays with so much will and determination."

In reality, it's nothing but code words from folks who assume that white wideouts aren't athletic. It's also the type of thing you hardly ever hear about black athletes, because the assumption is that they're so athletic. In reality, the athletic gap is slim to none, but the way we share opinions about players can be very wide.

The Patriots are going to trot Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola out on that field Sunday night, and they're going to gut and scrap it out as Belichick draws up schemes in his evil playbook. In reality, they're going to do what they always do, ball out. Why? Because they're really good, period. (Side note: Just a thought, but the Seahawks' wide receivers might be more scrappy and gutty than the Patriots.) -- Ed The Sports Fan

OVERTIME

Major pro football has gone 53 years without a championship being decided in sudden death overtime, and while we imagine the final minutes of the 4th quarter being akin to Game 7 in other sports, a game has to be competitive from both teams for those minutes to truly matter. Overtime in the Super Bowl is the NFL’s mythical Game 7. We’ve seen at least two Game 7s played in the NBA Finals, the World Series and the Stanley Cup Final over the last five years. The NHL is happy to tell you that it’s had six Game 7s in the Final since 2001.

Compare that to only two overtime sessions since the first NFL title game in 1933, and you can see that the NFL is long overdue. It’s not just about chest-beating over TV ratings records (who cares at this point?) or getting extra views for Super Bowl ads. Perhaps, we can see it as a way to make up for arguably the worst year in league history. A mea culpa by the Patriots and Seahawks on behalf (or in spite of) the league's clumsy overloads on Park Avenue. -- J. Clinkscales

For the trolls to win

Super Bowl 49 is going to be an interesting matchup in two parallel, yet equal, properties. Maybe most interestingly is that coming in, people are so torn on who they are going to root for. Because in many ways, these are the two biggest heels in the football world. There are the Patriots, who have carried the flag of the “win by any costs” tactics — which are freshly following them into this Super Sunday as well — for a decade now, which is also compounded by the easy-to-despise golden boy of Tom Brady leading the way. Then there are the Seahawks, whose defiant attitudes in light of their undeniable success have made them hated on an equal plane. They are despised not only for being good, but knowing it and not being shy about making it known either. As brother Beast Mode has made very evident, they do not care about serving the rules or the establishment in how the “top guys” should act. They are the De-Generation X of the NFL.

While I am fairly certain that it will be much better of a football contest than last year’s debacle, there are so many factors that can make it a good game as well that it would be pointless to try to list them all here. The fact that so many people have to watch a game with two teams that nobody wants to see win feeds my inner troll with more joy than I thought ever could be possible. -- Cheap Seat Fan

Commercials and outlandish victory dances

Usually, I anticipate three really funny commercials that I actually laugh at because I like it when the marketing is clever. Snickers always has good commercials so I bet they'll have me laughing again this year. And while I'm enjoying beer, seven-layer dip and good conversation, I hope to see Marshawn Lynch do an outlandish victory dance. The NFL won't even see it coming and of course they'll fine him, but the money he makes from the attention the dance receives will completely pay for it. And it will totally be worth doing it in the end to make this Super Bowl entertaining. -- Alex The Intern

The Patriots need to get mollywhopped

The one thing I wanna see for Super Bowl 49 is for the New England Patriots to get skull-dragged on national television for once in my lifetime. You probably think my response is petty. Well it is … and I am. I'm a Ravens fan, which makes me a big-time Pats hater. Nothing would make my day more than seeing Tom Brady get sacked 7 or more times, Beast Mode to run down Vince Wilfork's back and for Richard Sherman to have 3 INTs in this game. The football fan in me wants to see a good game. The Ravens fan in me wants to see a one-sided blowout. On Sunday, I'll be a Ravens fan. And yes, we established I am petty already. -- The NFL Chick

Because the running backs are the greatest stories ever

Here's Marshawn Lynch: The man who has become the biggest non-deflategate storyline of the Super Bowl has done so by largely not saying anything. What he says on the football field is that he is the unstoppable force still looking to find an immovable object to stand in his way. He will hold his dick when scores his touchdowns for the 12's, and he will devour Skittles afterwards.

Here's LeGarrette Blount: the man who is most famous for punching the bejesus out of some shit-talking player from an opposing team in college. Blount wasn't even on the Patriots at the beginning of the season and only got there because he literally quit on his team (Steelers) in the middle of the game because he wasn't getting enough carries. Now, he's Belichick's workhorse for a second time, and the run game is as good as it's ever been.

Forget Tom Brady and Russell Wilson, the tailbacks are the story of the Super Bowl. Easily. -- Ed The Sports Fan

To escape the noise that surrounds the Super Bowl itself

I'm a man who roots for history. So, in a way, I'm conflicted. A Patriots win would cement the Brady-Belichick combo as the greatest in NFL history. On the other hand, a repeat win for the Seahawks could put the defense on par with the '85 Bears or the '00 Ravens. A particularly stout effort might just push the Legion of Boom to the top. There's plenty at stake here, and yet I find myself unwilling to support either cause. Neither team is likable (not that teams need to be liked, but from a neutral standpoint, it helps). However I am tired of all the noise that accompanies the game. The two-week gap allows stories to fester and takes to get scorching hot. The only thing that could move the nonsense aside is quality football. Ultimately, that's what I'd like to see. -- Dillon Friday

Revis gets his ring

As someone who has to watch his favorite NFL team's chief rival prepare to possibly capture a second consecutive Lombardi trophy, or listen to how the quarterback of their opponent's is the best now because of wins a decade ago, what I want most is impossible. Since there is no way both teams can somehow tie and lose, I guess somewhere in my heart, I want the fellow Pitt Panther, Darrelle Revis, to win a ring. I suppose that is something I can cheer for. -- The Till Show

The Patriots to cheat

I'm not talking subtle nuances that bend the rules — I want to see the Pats take the rulebook and snap it across Gronk's thigh. I want to see players coming from the sidelines to make plays. I want to see 16 men on the field. I want to spot Patriots spies on the Seahawks sidelines, shadowing Pete Carroll for the entire 3rd quarter.

I want this Super Bowl to be one I'll never forget. I don't think this Sunday can top the drama of this year's NFC Championship game. It's unlikely that we'll top the drama of David Tyree. We won't match the drama of Kevin Dyson falling three feet short of immortality. Lights suddenly going out. Clark's catch. Allen's run. Norwood wide right. This Sunday probably isn't topping any of that. The Patriots, however, can top the sheer shadiness of everything they've represented over the last 15 years. And that would be more memorable than any single play. Belichick hoisting the most diabolical Super Bowl trophy since his last is what America needs right now. -- Phil

The Gronk to get loose

I want an all-time performance from Rob Gronkowski. I want the Legion of Boom to come up bust against the mammoth tight end, with the subject of the most entertaining NFL-related erotica getting at least a cool 175 yards and three touchdowns. I don't care all that much for the Patriots, but that result guarantees two things: First, you get Gronk on the mic after the game ends and when that happens, everybody wins, and secondly, Bill Belichick, legendary NFL curmudgeon, owes a huge debt to Gronkowski, the NFL's current party boy. I don't think Belichick will care too much but I will get a good laugh when Belichick's scowl is right next to Gronk, grinning like an ass, and plastered on every sports page across the nation. -- Carden

BONUS: For everyone to have fun

This has been an admittedly crappy year for NFL fans. The leadership of the league has proven to be wholly incompetent, which has served as a season-long black eye. The players have been mired in countless issues including: domestic violence, homosexuality in the NFL, deflategate, drug abuse, not talking to the media and anything that takes away from the fun that the NFL provides. However, as much as the NFL uses the Super Bowl to whore itself out for the corporate schilling, this game is still about the people. It's the two best teams in football going out for 60 minutes to prove who is the best. The Seattle Seahawks are evil. The New England Patriots are evil. Marshawn Lynch is a Tazmanian Devil on a football field. Rob Gronkowski is a roaming polar bear on a football field. Tom Brady is a robot. Russell Wilson is the ultimate ad-lib. Vince Wilfork is unfair. Kam Chancellor is unfair. Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick are evil twin brothers.

This is Super Bowl XLIX. Enjoy it people, enjoy it. -- Ed The Sports Fan

One Reply to “Here's The 13 Things We'd Like To See In Super Bowl XLIX”

  1. The NFL Chick - A phenomenal combination of beauty and brains. Yes, Tom Brady must be put down like the mangy, repugnant Wolverine that he is. He doesn't know anything about footballs being deflated???? O brother. I know only one person who believes him; my neighbors' new daughter - and she was literally born last night.
    Why do the Patriots have to cheat? They're already good. It's like Albert Einstein cheating on a high school Physics exam. The Super Bowl might be Brady's last game as his trail of lies eventually catches up with him.
    Hopefully, he'll be playing football in Pelican Bay when the investigation is complete! SHU program, sucka! 23 hour lockdown!!
    Ok. Maybe it won't be that bad, but I can dream.
    JAG

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.