Ruxin: Yeah, stress is real. I’m the commissioner of my fantasy football league.
Doctor: You’ve brought that up several times.
I’ve been thinking about the fact that I’m the commissioner of three leagues and that I still need to collect dues from folks. Why? Because there are teams already 0-4 in our leagues, and the likelihood of collecting dues declines exponentially with each loss. I need to get on my job.
Welcome to Week 4 of our fantasy football therapy hate session.
Here at TSFJ, we like to provide a platform of therapy for the people. Sometimes a good “woosah” can be all the difference in getting something off your chest and moving on to the next week. Plus, we know that you’re tired of hearing people say, “no one cares about your fantasy team.” That’s not true — we care. (Kinda.)
As always, we have done the grunt work and reached out to our friends and family to find out who the players are that folks ABSOLUTELY HATED with all of their fantasy football souls in Week 4. Enjoy.
The Player: Lamar Miller
The Box Score: 7 carries for 26 yards, 1 catch for 10 yards
“Red Rum, Red Rum, Red Rum.” A projections but no points makes makes a dull fantasy team for Matt.
Lamar Miller is quickly reaching top-notch levels of all-time fantasy hatred for me. Sure, he’s been saddled as a part of a directionless Dolphins team that has already fired its coach and shows all the signs of being the most overhyped team of the year. But a large part of that is because Lamar himself has just been a steaming pile of monkey crap. His string of putting together worthless starts hit a new bottom on Sunday when he amassed a grand total of 26 rushing yards and finished sub-40 yards total. This is a guy whom just a month ago I landed in the third round and talked a now embarrassing amount of crap about for “still being there.”
Well, if he keeps this up, I’ll “still be there” on the outside looking in when it comes playoff time — with the same stench of crap that he’s putting off on my breath, for having to eat the shit that talked for landing him in the first place. — @cheapseatfan
The Player: Melvin Gordon
The Box Score: 12 carries, 38 yards, 2 catches, 8 yards
It looked like you were getting things together, Melvin. You more than doubled Danny Woodhead’s touches in Week 3 (15-7), and it looked like you had taken your rightful place as the lead back in San Diego. Then at home against the Browns, you functionally split carries with the Lilliputian, and HE was the guy on the field for the game-winning drive at the end. The fact that you are scoring like A.C. Green makes it bad, but ceding a job you already won makes it much worse. Shape up, young fella. — @dannyleroux
The Player: Jeremy Hill
The Box Score: 9 carries for 40 yards, 3 touchdowns
You might look at that stat line and say, “40 yards and 3 touchdowns, what’s there to complain about, Josh?” Well, there’s plenty. Let me break it down for you. Sure, 3 touchdowns is great and all, but they are pretty damn worthless when they are sitting on your bench.
Look Jeremy, you had a great game. But your inconsistency is killing me. I reluctantly used a first-round pick on you, and after Week 1 I was feeling pretty good about it (19 carries for 63 yards and 2 TDs). So I rode with you for Week 2, and that’s when it all started to sour. You started fumbling the ball, and Gio Bernard started grabbing your workload. When you did manage to get the rock, you were wildly ineffective. You absolutely killed me in Week 2 with your 10 carries for 39 yards a 2 lost fumbles. I can’t win fantasy match-ups with my No. 1 running back netting me zero points. So I threw you on the pine with my other fabulous Mr. Zero, Roddy White.
Week 3 was cool, with your anemic 12 carries for 21 yards not hurting me as you rotted on my bench. But then you come out with this crap in Week 4, causing me to waste 22 points. Look man, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and decide which player you are going to be this year, Week 1 and 4 Jeremy Hill or Week 2 and 3 Jeremy Hill. The sooner you do this, the happier all of us will be. Will the real Jeremy Hill please stand up? — @silverfox8008
The Player: Latavius Murray
The Box Score: 16 carries, 49 yards, 3 catches, 12 yards, 1 fumble lost, 1 INT caused (unofficial)
This one is a double-whammy as a fantasy player and as a Raider fan, but I’ll start with fantasy. Um, dude? What the hell was that? After your breakthrough 26-carry, 139-yard, 20-fantasy-point performance last week against the dreadful Browns I thought we were good to go against the dreadful Bears. They were ranked 28th against the run after all. That ranking is bumped up after your performance this week, and that fumble means you netted a grand total of three fantasy points. Three.
OK, now as a Raider fan? Dude. What. The. F***. Was. That? Not only did you let a perfect pass from our quarterback savior Derek Carr bounce off your chest, like the pass literally hit you between the numbers, but you also had the misfortune of having that ball land right into the waiting, opportunistic hands of Pernell McPhee. You added a pick to Derek’s stat line, and we all cried a few tears for the first quarterback with a functioning arm and 20/20 vision to don the Silver and Black in more than a decade. We don’t give Derek, aka our lord and QB savior, unnecessary interceptions. Guess what, Tay Train? They scored a field goal off that interception. Guess what else? We lost by 2, as in one less point than a field goal. Thanks, dude.
And lastly, dude, the fumble? THAT FUMBLE? The one where our holy Derek tossed you a perfect pitch that hit you right in the hands with the laces out and all that jazz only for you to drop it. Wait, not drop, more like perfectly place it on the grass for the Bears to have, and then you proceeded to slide onto the floor and watch hopelessly as they scooped it up. After that you got benched and watched with the rest of us as your replacement Roy Helu Jr. got stuffed for a loss of one on 3rd-and-2 on the most important play of the game. Thanks again, dude. — @Bansky
The Player: Jordan Cameron
The Box Score: 2 catches, 19 yards
Listen, Jordan Cameron, we need to talk. When you were drafted by the Cleveland Browns in 2011 in the fourth round, you were talked about as being one of the biggest steals in the draft, and that hype machine continued to build. You were going to be the next great tight end, and your breakout third season only confirmed this: 80 catches for 917 yards and seven touchdowns.
After an injury-plagued 2014, this was supposed to be your year. You were in Miami to join forces with Ryan Tannehill and his freshly minted contract extension, destined to join the ranks of the elite tight ends. How have you repaid that faith? By starting out weak and only getting worse as the season progresses. Need proof? Here are Cameron’s stat lines:
- Week 1 at Washington: 4 catches, 73 yards, 0 TD
- Week 2 at Jacksonville: 3 catches, 62 yards, 0TD
- Week 3 vs. Buffalo: 3 catches, 16 yards, 0 TD
- Week 4 vs. New York Jets: 2 catches, 19 yards, 0 TD
You simply are not who we thought you were, while Travis Kelce is everything we thought you would be. I’m not mad at you, Jordan — how can I be? You do, after all, play for the moribund Miami Dolphins with a fraud as a quarterback. I’m just disappointed. — @revpaulrevere
The Player: Randall Cobb
[writes this while the sound of “Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby just to let me down?” plays in the background]
The Box Score: 5 receptions (8 targets), 44 yards, no TDs
Dearest Randall Creepy Cat-Eye Cobb, last week you were all like, “Hey, I’m awesome, and I’m just going to show off and score three touchdowns off seven receptions.” Week 4 you were all like, “Noooo, I don’t wanna. I’m not readyyyyy.” What happened, Cobb?
On top of that, you tweaked a shoulder injury, so there is no telling what next week will look like. Of course you won’t get benched on the fantasy squad because the guy throwing you the ball happens to be Aaron Rodgers. I may not believe in you right now, but I definitely believe in the “discount double check.” How can you only accumulate 44 yards in a game with Rodgers tossing it to you? Where’s the YAC, man … I’m not seeing the YAC!!! I’ll admit, the San Francisco defense was stiff this week. But can I have faith in you going against a decent St. Louis defense and with a hurt shoulder? [finger hovers over “move to bench” button]
Confused about life — @mslightbright
The Player: Carlos Hyde
The Box Score: 8 carries, 20 rushing yards, 1 catch, 2 receiving yards
This isn’t about you, Carlos Hyde; this is about everyone else affiliated with your crew. Yes, I’m talking about you, Colin Kaepernick. I’m talking about you, Geep Chryst. I’m talking about you, Jim “I fart in press conferences for fun” Tomsula. You all found a way to get my hopes up for a great season from Carlos Hyde. I traded away some depth on my roster THINKING I’d have a solid RB1/RB2 in Hyde. But nah, you people have to parade this clunker of an offense around like you all are named the Washington Generals. I’ve never seen a team make another team look so damned good. Kudos to you, San Francisco 49ers. You’ve made Hyde terrible and everyone else awesome. Thanks. — @edthesportsfan
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