“If you screw up my team, I’m going to cut your penis into thin slices of salami.” — Ruxin, The League
With the return of professional football this past week, meant that general managers all across the world would be yelling at their TV screens with the fate of their fantasy football teams being played out before their eyes. There were people at bars randomly yelling at no one in particular because of missed extra points (from the 15-yard line), folks were disgusted to witness tight ends like Gronkowski and Kelce roaming wide open like polar bears on the field and shade was universally thrown at players (and their situations) that means for fantasy football failure in week one.
Here at TSFJ, we like to provide a platform of therapy for the people. Sometimes a good “woo-sah” can be all the difference in getting something off your chest and moving on to the next week. Plus, we know that you’re tired of hearing people say, “no one cares about your fantasy team.” That’s not true, we care. (Kinda.)
With that being said, we reached out to some of our friends and family to find out who are the players that folks ABSOLUTELY HATED with all of their fantasy football souls in Week 1. Enjoy.
The Player: Dez Bryant
The Box Score: 5 catches, 48 yards
It should have been me. Take my foot bone. I’m not doing anything but laying on the coach throwing up the X whenever you catch a pass and shrug off measly defensive backs. Out up to eight weeks, with doctors saying that four to six weeks is an aggressive timeline for a broken bone in your foot. You were doing so well. We could have ruled the fantasy world together. This was our year. I’m not even sure if I’m more angry with the concept of injuries or the Universe itself at this point but everything sucks. — @_Zeets
The Player: DeSean Jackson
The Box Score: 0 catches, 0 yards
As the lone home run threat on a team playing from behind, DeSean Jackson was—in my mind—gold from the third wide receiver spot. Little did I know, D Jack would simply be the next in the long line of wide receivers to sustain a hamstring injury, doing so before he could even haul in a pass. Zero point zero—the Mr. Blutarski. Worse, you’re out for what could be the next month, leaving me scrambling to the waiver wire one week in. At least Mike Evans and the rest had the common decency to pull the hamstring before lineups were to be set. You, sir, just proved why you were still available in the seventh round. — @WFNYScott
The Player: Adrian Peterson, but really coach Mike Zimmer
The Box Score: 10 carries, 31 yards
In the illustrious words of the great Silky Johnson, Monday night’s 49ers/Vikings game looked “bombed out and depleted.” I’m not blaming AP’s lackluster night in The Bay solely on him, despite the Niners being the squad that has traditionally given the future Hall of Famer the most fits in his career. That’s right, Mike Zimmer, you’re falling on this sword. Don’t even give me the “he hasn’t played in a year” speech either. This is Adrian Peterson, created in the same Area 51 lab that produced LeBron James, JJ Watt and Usain Bolt. You mean to tell me you’ve got arguably the best running back of the past 30 years (not named Barry Sanders), you’re franchise is opening the season on prime time TV and you only give him TEN TOUCHES? There aren’t enough Michael Jordan crying faces in the world to excuse this. — @Pablo Freshcobar
The Player: Peyton Manning
The Box Score: 24/40, 175 yards, 1 INT, 26.4 QBR
The best regular season quarterback in the history of the NFL has won me plenty of fantasy football championships, so I feel some type of way ripping Peyton Manning. You can yell Omaha all you want to, but if you don’t stop throwing like me, that quadruple extra-large helmet of yours won’t be the only reason your forehead looks like you got kufi-smacked by Bruce Lee. Take advantage of the assortment of steroids you have access to and start shooting up that noodle-arm, or eat some spinach. Just do better. Enough Papa John’s. More spirals and touchdowns, please. — @bontahill
The Player: Cam Newton
The Box Score: 18/31, 175 yards, 1 TD/1 INT
Cam listen. I’ve been around a long time. I’ve seen trash before and you sir are playing with it. You throw darts at wide open receivers and they couldn’t catch an STD in a brothel. It’s getting a little frustrating to watch and if you add in the occasional pass you throw that a 7 foot tall wide receiver couldn’t catch even if he had a 40 inch vertical it’s getting harder and harder to keep drafting you in the first two rounds of my fantasy draft. So do me a favor and give your wide receivers Jerry Rice’s stick’em guys number. — @joesimtre
The Player: Calvin Johnson
The Box Score: 2 catches, 39 yards
Calvin Johnson, I could never be mad at you. You sir, are arguably the third greatest wide receiver I’ve ever seen with my eyes (Moss, Rice) and I’ll never believe it’s your fault for catching just two balls for 39 yards. Matthew Stafford, you puffy-faced fraud, do us all a favor and sling the damn pill to the guy who’s taller and faster than almost every person on the football field. — @edthesportsfan
Do you have someone that you absolutely hated? Email us with your submission and maybe we’ll include it for week 2.
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