Ever since his audacious claims that his son, UCLA guard Lonzo Ball, is already better than Stephen Curry, LaVar Ball has been a fixture in the sports news landscape. If you’ve been alive any time in the past month, you’ve at some point been bombarded with the quotes from the bombastic patriarch – and worst basketball player – of the Ball family.
The discussions about LaVar’s place in his sons’ careers have been going on for weeks. If the election of President Trump taught us anything about America, it’s that loud, confident people succeed regardless of the amount of bull excrement they spew.
We’re not here to talk about whether LaVar is right or wrong. We’re here to help. Because ultimately this is all a marketing scheme by the elder Ball.
LaVar is using the current success of his eldest son Lonzo, who is widely regarded as a top two or three NBA draft prospect, as a springboard to popularize the family’s brand, “Big Baller Brand.” Yes– that is the real name.
So rather than resist the onslaught of Ball coverage (you’re dead inside if you didn’t giggle a little at “Ball coverage”), we’ve decided to present some ways the family can maximize profits of Big Baller Brand.
Step 1: Rename that shit
Bruh. Big Baller Brand? What in the world were they thinking? This is a clothing line, not a fake storefront in a Nelly video from 2001.
Baller will do just fine. No need for “big,” no need for “brand.” Clean it up.
Step 2: Get a new logo
With the name change to “Baller,” you can condense the logo to a single B. Think of the simplicity of the Jumpman or Nike swoosh. The solitary “B” is recognizable, easily replicated and looks clean on a hat, shirt, etc.
The first “B” on the current logo would suffice. Lose the other Bs.
Step 3: Drop the prices
The audacity to say Lonzo is better than Steph Curry is one thing. The audacity to charge $60 for a t-shirt is a whole different kind of awful.
You know who can charge $60 for a t-shirt and $100 for a hat? Kanye, because he made Late Registration. You know who didn’t make Late Registration? Anyone from the Ball family.
Drop those prices to $30 like a normal human.
Step 4: Relax
For real. We get it. LaVar is loud, and says all sorts of controversial stuff. Fatigue in the 24-hour news cycle is very, very real.
The line between staying relevant and being annoying is extremely thin. Lonzo is going to carry the family name in the news just by virtue of being the potential No. 1 overall pick in the upcoming draft. LaVar needs to fade into the background while his oldest son comes to the forefront. Lonzo will take the spotlight, wearing his newly branded, affordable, Baller clothing and the brand will soar.
These are surefire steps to maximizing the success of the current Big Baller Brand. A quick rebrand and simple, free marketing is all it needs.
Best of luck to the Ball family.
Experiment 626. Coffee drinker and cat enthusiast. Pro-avocado. Anti-sac bunt. Habitual bat flipper. Alex Smith apologist. Yoenis Cespedes fanboy.