The headline says it all, right?
Let’s be honest…all these guys could destroy us on the court, even the ones we think we could get about 15 points and 5 rebounds off of in a pickup game. The very idea that these NBA players are “the worst” in any capacity would compel them to utterly shatter the microscopic amount of pride we’d have left.
(And no, you could not beat anyone on the New York Knicks, Los Angeles Lakers, Philadelphia 76ers or Minnesota Timberwolves, either.)
Yet, because we weren’t in the mood for traditional previews before the playoffs begin tomorrow, we decided to have a little fun with something different. There will be plenty of time to celebrate the greatness of Stephen Curry, LeBron James and the other superstars that headline the 2015 NBA Playoffs, yet, we’re going to highlight the worst of the worst. The players who make our blood boil, make our stomachs hurt from laughing or just make us scratch our heads. Today we profile the “worst” of the NBA’s 15 best teams and Brooklyn.
Also, we’re mostly kidding. Mostly.
1 – Atlanta: Elton Brand
There was a time when Elton Brand was viewed the next great superstar power forward in the NBA. Now, at the age of 36 and with 15 years tenure in the league, Brand is a reserve player on a title contender. But you know what, I don’t care about all that. I’m still bitter in how Brand backstabbed Baron Davis in potentially re-signing with the LA Clippers, earned the nickname Benedict Brand by Kenny by being a turncoat, and turned his back on a handshake deal by signing with the Philadelphia 76ers.
Elton Brand’s the absolute worst, and signing him should be Danny Ferry’s ultimate shame. (You know, instead of writing racist notes in a scouting report about Luol Deng.) – Ed
2 – Cleveland: Kendrick Perkins
As a member of the Oklahoma City Thunder, I loved Big Perk. As a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I wonder why I loved Big Perk. Then I saw that 9-step travel.
Good God, that’s one of the worst greatest things I’ve ever seen in life, and I’m pretty sure Perkins will have one game of 20 points and 10 rebounds because Big Perk loves to bring the absurd at all times. – Ed
3 – Chicago: Tony Snell
After the Bulls traded Luol Deng to the Cleveland Cavaliers and then drafted Tony Snell with the 20th pick in the 2013 NBA Draft, it was easy to see what the thought team’s thought process was: Snell would come in and learn from one of the best two-way players in the NBA and eventually start on the opposite wing of his mentor, Jimmy Butler.
Well, things don’t always go according to plan.
Now in his second NBA season, Snell has shown flashes of being a halfway decent NBA player. But more often than not, he’s looked like Marquis Teague 2.0: a player with decent talent, but who just doesn’t seem to “get it.”
This is not to suggest that Snell isn’t talented. He has an ability to shoot the hell out of the ball and on any given night, can look like a player on his way to establishing himself as a solid pro. But then there are other times when he does stuff like this and this that makes you scratch your head and wonder if it’ll ever click for the kid.
I realize I might be excessively hard on a player who’s only in his second year in the NBA, but I’m just not convinced that it’s ever gonna click for the kid. Here’s hoping I’m wrong… God knows I want to be. – Bryan Crawford
4 – Toronto: Landry Fields
When he signed that offer sheet from the Raptors in 2012, many Knicks fans offered to pack, load and ship Landry Fields’ belongings to Toronto for free. Why?
Two words: Dwyane Wade.
How are you gonna let Wade – whose knees are stuck in 2003 – beat the brakes off of you on multiple backdoor screens and then let him do this to you? That horrid playoff series against the Miami Heat was the cherry on top for a guy who forgot how to play defense the second half that season. Somehow, Fields parlayed that into a 3-year, $20 million deal up north. Sure, he’s battled injuries, but with a whopping 1.8 PPG average, he’s not very good in the rare times he’s even on the court. At $8 million this season, he’s probably the NBA’s most expensive DNP-CD.
Don’t mind me. I’m still bitter. – Clinkscales
5 – Washington: Paul Pierce
Yeah, there were biases in this one, but Paul Pierce isn’t just the worst player on the Wizards, but he might be the worst Wizard in Wizards’ history. The old man can still hoop, I guess, but for the most part, he’s just on the court, frumping around, committing flagrant fouls. He damn near tackled Jimmy Butler, then poked Joakim Noah in the face. Earlier this month, he pushed Omri Casspi into a little girl, bringing her to tears.
Paul Pierce isn’t just bad at basketball, he’s a certified asshole. A beardless, certified asshole. – Barnett
6 – Milwaukee: O.J. Mayo
I just looked up O.J. Mayo’s age and it says he’s 27. That’s a gotdamned lie. O.J. Mayo’s had a beard on his face since the Nixon administration. There are stories that date back to him playing 2-on-2 with Sidney Deane in Los Angeles way before Billy Hoyle showed up. As a matter of fact, chances are that Mayo goes to Denny’s regularly just to get the senior’s discount on a Grand Slam breakfast.
O.J. Mayo is the worst, because he’s either been using HGH for over three decades, or he’s a mutant and is unable to age properly. Either way, he should’ve shared his special gifts with the people a long time ago. Selfish. – Ed
7 – Boston: Gerald Wallace
There was a time when Gerald Wallace was a beloved spark off the bench role player for the Sacramento Kings. Now, he’s playing 8.9 minutes and scoring 1.1 points a game. The youth movement has taken over in Boston, and Wallace is on the outside looking in. When he was in Sacramento, he was a part of the youth movement and it beared fruit with deep runs in the NBA playoffs. Now, all Wallace can do is motivate and encourage. Oh, and he probably reminds the players that he was once an All-Star, even though they don’t believe him. – Ed
8 – Brooklyn: Pick ’em
The State rests, your honor. – Clinkscales
1 – Golden State: James Michael McAdoo
You sir, are a lucky SOB.
Coming from a family lineage that carries a legendary surname like McAdoo and being an alum one of the greatest college basketball programs of all-time in North Carolina, it makes total sense that you somehow found a way to be the 12th man on a team that finds themselves to be the best in the NBA offensively and defensively in the Golden State Warriors.
2 – Houston: Dwight Howard
We know he’s not the worst, absolutely far from it. Yet, he probably still wears Ed Hardy shirts. And those old Stan Van Gundy impressions were awful. There aren’t enough demerits in the world to hand out for those.
The Rockets very well may lose to the Mavericks, but a healthy D12 can be a big help for the #2 seed. But we’re not here for that. The best thing about him on the court is that his sideline suit game has been shelved. – Clinkscales
3 – Los Angeles Clippers: The Bench
So many candidates, not enough time. But, Hedo Turkoglu forever. – Clinkscales
4 – Portland: Allen Crabbe
The Blazers are kind of deep at shooting guard and small forward, so to be considered “the worst” is pretty much means you’re starving for crumbs when everyone else is having seconds. Even before the injury to Wesley Matthews a few weeks ago, Crabbe couldn’t get back into the rotation much with the options at both positions.
But someone in Oregon saw his jersey number and probably screamed, “YOU GOT MIKE JORDAN’S NUMBER! WE COULD HAVE HAD HIM BACK IN ’84! WHY YOU GOTTA REMIND US OF THAT, SON!” – Clinkscales
5 – Memphis: Russ Smith
Russ Smith, we knew you had it in you. After averaging 0 pts, 0 assts and 0 rebounds on the season, we really appreciate how you came through against Golden State a few days ago when the Grizz were losing by 32. And even though it was the exact opposite of a clutch situation, your 16-pt effort showed us that you know how to score … it’s just that you don’t get to do it often.
But it’s playoff time now baby, and we need you to stay ready. Because if Mike Conley’s foot won’t let him go and Beno Udrih gets injured too and Nick Calathes forgets how to dribble and Courtney Lee’s uniforms get stolen and Jeff Green wants his barber to line him up during every TV time out and Vince Carter wants to use a cell phone to call plays on the court and Tony Allen wants to drive to the away games and Zach Randolph requires the announcer to say “it’s hard out here for a pimp” after every Grizz point, rebound and assist and Marc refuses to play guard because he’s just too dang on big … we’re gonna call your number. We need to know we can count on you to help us bring home a victory. – Rosalyn Ross
6 – San Antonio: Kyle Anderson
Kyle Anderson isn’t the worst player on the Spurs because he’s bad at basketball, he’s the worst player on the Spurs because I was forced to choose someone. Right now, it’s his turn to be the worst player on the squad, because he’s the rookie and it’s just kind of how things work in San Antonio. He’s done nothing wrong, and in fact, he’ll probably lead them to a title as Kawhi’s No. 2 with Patty Mills starting at point guard and a mild-mannered, dominant center from Lesotho.
The Spurs will play at a tempered pace because Kyle Anderson is partially a tortoise from his mother’s father’s side. Anderson represents the future, but right now, the future is the worst player on the Spurs. – Barnett
7 – Dallas: Raymond Felton
You could argue that Greg Smith, Dwight Powell or Bernard James are more worthless than Raymond Felton, but every single one of those guys has shot better than Felton and stagnated the Dallas offense less than Felton.
Once a lithe floor general, the only thing Felton has expanded in is his waistline. The guy used to be good and capable. Now he’s mostly a bench warmer who looks more like an out of shape fan than a professional basketball player. Even with Rajon Rondo struggling and Jose Barea coming back down to earth from his glory seasons, Felton finds himself glued to the sidelines. Something tells me he doesn’t mind that. – The Rev
8 – New Orleans: Jimmer Fredette
Hey you, Jimmer. Yeah, you. This is your time to evolve into this generation’s version of Craig Hodges, Steve Kerr, Tim Legler or Gary Neal.
In the standards of NBA players, Jimmer Fredette is not good. This makes me sad, because Jimmer Fredette was the savior, the leader of men and most importantly the great white hype during his time at BYU. I want Jimmer to be good at something, even if it’s just to sit in the corner to shoot open corner threes when Anthony Davis and Tyreke Evans need bailing out.
This is your destiny, Jimmer. Be the bench player who sits in the corner all day and shoots threes when your team needs bailing out. Be the great bailout corner three hype guy. You fraud. – Ed
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