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5 Things We Learned From Superbowl 55!

 1) Gamblers Lose Big:

With sports shows going Mahomes-centric, the NFL caught the pulse of the average viewer and kept its promise, delivering the most “cinematic, spectacular” show… while still keeping the House happy. Over 40 total points were scored, yet KC barely sniffed the redzone. I guess it was called Superbowl LV for a reason. You know how it goes: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

2) Mahomes Can Ball:

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Despite playing most of the game suspended horizontally in mid-air, Patrick the star wasn’t able to do much more than bounce footballs off of his receivers’ facemasks in the endzone… And while letting fans start on your O-Line is fun and all, coach Andy Reid really deserves more of the blame in the loss, for that ridiculous little publicity stunt.

3) Bradyball Fields Forever:

Courtesy: NFL.com

We all know what Tyrann Matthieu said to Brady after his INT was overturned and the Bucs scored. It’s the same thing we all said when the Tuck rule happened… or when Brady’s facemask grazed a finger in the AFC championship game, two years ago. It’s the asterisks and the saggy balls, the smashed cellphones and the burnt video tapes. And we all know what Tommy hollered back at the Honeybadger, as he loped down the field after him: “I’m the face of the NFL b*tch!”

4) Half-time headache:

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Besides the cute wink to Vegas in the initial seconds of the show, Abel kind of left a sour taste in our mouthes. Why have creepy angels descend into tombstone-cities? That not fun or cool… And those neon word-signs? “Touch” and “Alone”? The whole thing gave off weird, olympics inauguration/globalist vibe. Just all very strange and Bill Gatesian. So besides the closeted-mime outfit, the Weeknd’s game seemed a little Weakened… and to be honest, he only managed to dizzy us all up while careening around in selfie-mode. When the Diaper-clowns emerged from beneath the Pepsi/Korea logo, it felt like being sucked into a satanic, Kim Jong-Il fever dream and I went to take a leak. For a guy I like to imagine being super creative, it’s too bad it felt like a Madonna show.

5) The Chosen, Undisputed Champion of Kings:

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While most of the laurels directed towards Brady ignore the politics of professional sports, there is an under-appreciated genius to the GOAT that deserves to be recognized here: The man loves to throw a nice football, and doesn’t miss opportunities. Both in life and on the field. Showing up -everyday- for yourself, is the biggest gift you can give your dreams. And this much is now sure: Tom Brady is the best 21st century player, of NFL-style football

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