The 9 Body Parts I Would Donate To Our Befallen Athletes

stuart holden injured

When it was announced this week that United States and Bolton Wanderers midfielder Stuart Holden had torn his ACL in the Gold Cup Final last Sunday, my heart dropped. Holden has spent the better part of two years recovering from knee injuries sustained both on the pitch and in rehab. He deserves a bit of good fortune after so much turmoil.

As I let the news sink in a little more, I thought “I would gladly donate my knees to Stuart Holden,” which in turn led me to the inevitable question: “What other athletes current and in the past would I donate body parts to to prolong their careers?”

After all, I am a retired athlete myself who endured his fair share of bumps and bruises but for the most part emerged from his career, which is a strong word here, injury free. Since I no longer believe in running or exercise in general, my appendages (save for one) are quite expendable.

This of course assumes that once the recipients are affixed with my donations they will return to their pre-injury form. I know that such an outcome is unlikely but for the sake of the post let’s ignore the reality. Some of these men have been dead for years, so you might as well question my necromancy skills while you’re at it.

I’ll hand out elbows, knees, hips, and feet in a sort of remix to The Wiggles’ greatest hit. Read on to find out who gets what, or at least to indulge in body part news that doesn’t involve Anthony Weiner.

7 Replies to “The 9 Body Parts I Would Donate To Our Befallen Athletes”

  1. The soul could have also came in handy when prior to becoming baseball’s first commissioner, Landis was the presiding judge when the Mann Act was used to jail Jack Johnson. Never mind that the ‘violating act’ took place prior to the law’s passage and that Johnson actually married his then-girlfriend.

  2. First off, Dill, this was an awesome and unique article. I would’ve never thought of something like this. Brilliant read. Now, to the question at hand, what would I donate?

    I would donate former Secret Service members to protect Tony Romo at ALL times during the season in-game. He’d have 15 seconds to make every throw and my blood pressure would never rise above normal.

    Now since that’s not actually a body part, I’d have to go with the comment earlier, whatever Griffey needed to stay healthy he would’ve gotten from me.

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