Rev: So Tins, which one of our teams is gonna fuck this up more, the Eagles or the Cowboys?
Tins: You mentioned this on The UC Show Wednesday night. We're the primetime Sunday afternoon game. I'm nervous for the both of us. Dallas and Philly could legitimately put on a clinic of futileness that hasn't been seen since, well, I can't remember when. It would honestly not surprise me if this game went into overtime and ended up with a tie. That's the way both of our seasons have gone. So to answer the question, I think we're going to fuck up equally. If that's even possible.
Rev: A tie? I didn't even know an NFL game could end in a tie (I kid, I kid — what up Donny?). Honestly, if you look at it, that's not even out of the realm of possibilities. Two QBs who turn the ball over at inopportune times? Check. Two teams ravaged by injuries? Eagles on the offensive line, Cowboys at linebacker — check. Two coaches who seem to have no idea what they're doing anymore? Check. Yeah, this could be the penultimate in futility.
Tins: The sad thing is both teams have players who are really, really, really good. DeMarcus Ware and Shady McCoy are so good, man. Like it sucks to see them deal with teams who couldn't carve themselves out of a wet paper bag with the OJ knife. And those are just two players. But about Garrett and Reid, this is the first game where I think the the coaches are who everyone is tuning in to see. Like on some, "C'mon, they can't seriously be this bad, can they?" But just you wait, America. Shady McCoy could have 80 yards after the first quarter, and Reid will forget he exists for the next three. Jason Garrett? Oh, we'll be on the one yard line and run shotgun four straight times.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dunce Bowl I.
Rev: I'm not even lying, I think there is a large contingent of Eagles fans (possibly myself included? I haven't quite decided yet) that for the first time ever in the history of ever that they'd almost prefer to lose to the Cowboys, get their boo on and throw even more vitriol at the best coach in Eagles history. The dude has lost this team and lost the fans long before that. I'm not sure exactly how Dallas fans view Jason Garrett, but Andy Reid has run out of cheesesteak joints he can go to and actually get served without someone spitting in his cheese whiz.
Tins: That's where we differ. I hate the Eagles. The only things I hate more than the Eagles are traffic, the last sip of juice in a container and having someone not answer the phone after I just missed their phone call literally 10 seconds earlier.
I hate the Eagles. I hate their fans (except you, Rev). I hate the fact they exist as a franchise. So yeah, I'm praying the Eagles offensive line has one final abysmal performance worthy of an Oscar on Sunday. I mean, why not have Philly's season officially crash land after DeMarcus Ware or Bruce Carter force Marcus Vick into a Twitter rant for the ages? Someone has to have some good fortune. And Philly once booed Santa Claus. There's no coming back from that.
Rev: First and foremost, let me make this abundantly clear: My hatred for the Cowboys is right there with your hatred for the Eagles. My grandfather — may he rest in peace — always told me that when the Eagles weren't playing the Cowboys, he had two favorite teams: the Eagles and whoever was playing Dallas. I grew up with that. My other grandfather gave me a "Dallas Sucks" sticker when I was like 6. And my father preached to me that, while still not liking them, he always respected the Giants and Redskins, whereas he just loathed the Cowboys. It's engrained in my blood. I hate the Cowboys with a passion. There is no hate that supersedes it (though some that rival it, maybe, perhaps, probably not). I hated nothing more than seeing you all win three titles in my young years, and REALLY hated seeing bandwagon classmates put on Cowboys starter jackets and sweatshirts. Fuck them, and fuck the Cowboys. I hope you never win another playoff game again.
Having said that … I honestly think there are plenty of Eagles fans whose hatred for Andy Reid may be the thing they hate most in the NFL right now. Philadelphia's tiredness of Reid may supplant its hatred of Dallas. Maybe. Perhaps. Probably not.
Who am I kidding? I want the Birds to come out and make the Cowboys rue the moment they stepped on that plane headed for the City of Brotherly Love. I hate you all, with all due respect.
Tins: Let it be known. The City of Brotherly Love won't be great until Andrew Bynum shaves that mushroom cloud on the top of his head.
Rev: One: Leave Andrew Bynum out of this. I'm already terrified of his knee troubles and immaturity and how it will play with the Philly fans, so can we leave the man's hair alone? Personally I find it endearing. No more Bynum talk until he gets out on that court.
Two: Our god damn Declaration of Independence was signed here, my man. Philadelphia is great. You know those Lombardi Trophies you all got down in that monstrosity of a stadium? Well shit, there may not even be a Lombardi Trophy, or the game of football for that matter, without that fine piece of paper signed in my very own city.
If Dallas is so great, how come the "Dallas" Cowboys don't even play in the city they're named after?
Tins: You know what else happened in Philadelphia? Your bullying, that's what. You forced The Fresh Prince to relocate all the way across country all because on the playground where he spent most of his days he ran into a group of Eagles fans who ran him out of town. Proud of that, too?
Look, I love the city of Philly. Great food. Great culture. Great all that crap. I've got a lot of friends who call Philly home. The football team is just two notches below having an incurable STD on the "worst things in life" scale.
And "Dallas"? That answer is simple. Dallas Cowboys, D.C. Washington Redskins. We just want them to know, their city, is ours. More of a like a marking your territory kind of thing. Jerk.
Rev: Let it be known, Fresh Prince was the zenith of television, and all that inspiration came from his Summertimes (I hate myself for that) in Philadelphia. He came back as a minority owner of the Sixers, so suck on that!
By the way, you know who else marks their territory? Dogs. And that's what the Cowboys are playing like. The Eagles? I think it'd be an insult to canines to say they're playing like dogs. More like a dead horse.
Tins: Dogs are man's best friend though. And that's about the only positive I can come away with from all that. So, Rev, give me three bold predictions that'll happen on Sunday. They can range from logical to flat out ridiculous, which may or may not all be in the same prediction.
Rev: Three predictions, huh? 1. I'll get the ludicrous one out of the way first: Jason Babin will actually make a big play because I hate him so he's due to do something good for once. 2. Dez Bryant will burn Nnamdi Asomugha so bad and be so wide open that he'll then trip over his own feet like his pants were hanging off his ass in a mall at the surprise of being so wide open in an NFL game. The pass will fall incomplete as a result. Tony Romo will somehow be to blame for it. 3. Kurt Coleman will do many things that annoy Cowboys fans and even more things that annoy Eagles fans.
Tins: OK, here we go.
1. Either DeMarcus Ware or Bruce Carter will make it so Vick doesn't leave this game walking. But he'll be ready in time for Philly's Week 12 Monday nighter vs. Cam Newton, Steve Smith and the Cubs.
2. DeSean Jackson and Dez Bryant will both put on shows. Hell, I'm predicting 100+ yard games for both. But at least one will do something so foolish that's all we'll be talking about and forget the fact they had a 100+ yard game. Maybe Dez drops a crucial third down pass. Maybe DeSean attempts to hand out one of his rap CD's as a touchdown celebration thus forcing Philly to kick from further back on the kickoff resulting in a rare Dallas special teams TD. I don't know. One is bound to happen though.
3. It's been in the making for a few weeks now, but this is the week Tony Romo begins the mutiny in Dallas from Jason Garrett's play calling. Romo will have the ball in his hands on the last drive of the game. He'll go 75 yards, one timeout and the Cowboys' season - and possibly his tenure in Dallas - on the line. He'll go out commando (not, that type of commando). And he'll get the job done. Hopefully that "job" being "done" is a touchdown and not an interception.
Rev: I'm pretty sure all of these predictions are coming true, except for the one where Tony Romo possibly does anything other than choke in crunch time. I find it amusing you guys entrust the ball on every offensive play to a guy who can't even handle the simplicity that is holding duty. I thoroughly enjoy Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys quarterback.
Rev: At least my man Donovan won some playoff games. Just saying. Shit, that didn't make me feel any better. Forget that.You wanna know stress levels? Man, ever since the Phillies won the World Series in 2008 and I've basically been relegated to tease after tease from my teams, ESPECIALLY the unfilled promise of the bum-ass Eagles, my hairline has been running off my head like Michael Vick is out there running for his life. I got less than a year and half before I'm 30, and it wouldn't surprise me if my forehead is as high as — wait for it — LeBron's by season's end.
Rev: Oh poor Dallas Cowboys fan … we've been suffering without a Super Bowl victory for not even 20 years! Try coming up empty, oh, I don't know, my entire life! Or, you know, the entire SUPER BOWL ERA!!!! You know how you said you hate Eagles fans? Try being one. I hate being an Eagles fan more than I hate anything else about myself. I'm not even joking. You know how much easier my life would be without this constant stress, false hope, disappointment and delusion? I may actually be able to contribute something worthwhile to society. Instead I keep watching the same old team beat the same old dead horse year in and year out. Get your hopes up, then bring everything crashing down. It's agony.
Anyway, back to the task at hand. I really, really, really, really want to pick the Eagles to win on Sunday. After all, they're at home, their backs are against the wall, and Tony Romo is the perfect man to play in that situation. However, this has been a season of firsts for Andy Reid. As in, it's the first time Andy fired a coach in the middle of the season. It's the first time Andy's offense cannot score any points whatsoever. It's the first time Andy Reid's team lost coming out of the bye week (in the regular season, anyway). It's the first time he literally has not had one competent, active offensive lineman in his tenure. And it will be the first time that the Eagles, under Andy Reid, lose five games in a row.
Final score: Cowboys 31, Eagles 23.
As for the season, all will continue to go to shit, Andy Reid and the entire coaching staff will be jettisoned, Michael Vick will be gone and the Eagles will be in full rebuilding mold with no one worth a damn except LeSean McCoy and DeSean Jackson to build around. At best, this team goes 4-4 here on out, putting them at 7-9 on the season. At worst, 5-11. I hate this team. But, as always, Dallas still sucks.
To be honest, the only reason I'm picking Dallas is because Tony Romo is 19-3 in November in his career. Not exactly the most secure stat to go on, but at this point for either of our teams, you've gotta hang your hat on something. The rest of the season goes down like this. If, and understand this is a big IF, Dallas wins, I think they - in the absolute best case scenario - can somehow finish 9-7 and backpeddle into the playoffs. The talent is there. They just have to stop Cheddar Bob'ing themselves every week, easier said than done. If Dallas loses, I could easily see them ending 6-10 capping off yet another abortion of a season.
Rev: Look at that, a Cowboys fan and an Eagles tentatively agreeing on the outcome of a game. There really is hope for the world after all. Or perhaps it's proof the Armageddon really is coming. One more time for good measure, Dallas Sucks.
Reverend Paul Revere, aka Joe Boland, is a sports blogger out of Philadelphia whose life revolves around sports 365 and a quarter days per year. Keep up with Rev at his own personal blog, The House That Glanville Built and on Twitter.