I am not a good art person, but sometimes you just have to be an art person when you get drunk on a Monday night and don’t have work on Tuesday.
I am, however, good at hating the Chargers — excellent at hating Philip Rivers. So I decided that beer and art and Philip Rivers would come together on a Monday night that saw the Philip Rivers of San Diego lose to the less talented Philip Rivers of Chicago (Jay Cutler) 22-19.
Not only did Philip Rivers of San Diego lose to less talented Philip Rivers of Chicago, but Philip Rivers of San Diego had the ball down three with 3:19 left to play in the fourth. After entering Chicago territory, Rivers of SD was sacked and threw two incomplete passes.
The game didn’t end when the clock hit zero-zero-zero, though. Shenanigans just got started. Philip Rivers provided, as he is wont to do, a fantastic meme-able face.
SAD PHILIP RIVERS FUELS MY SOUL. ON REPEAT FOR ETERNITY. pic.twitter.com/rkH6XuS3UF
— Phillip Barnett (@regularbarnett) November 10, 2015
As I watched the GIF, and other memes rolled in, I knew I had to draw it. I had to make art. Terrible, beautiful art. So I did. I drew the face of Philip Rivers from San Diego photoshopped onto the Rock’s body.
A note here: The Rock’s body is tan as hell. I used half of my brown-colored pencil trying to shade in his body mass. I used peach to color in Rivers’ face not because he’s lighter, but because he’s a fruit. And not a fruit in a way that is derogatory toward any particular lifestyles, but a fruit in the way that a fruit gets picked off. Picking peaches is nothing but hundreds upon thousands of interceptions, and that perfectly captures Philip Rivers of San Diego’s career.
One might ask, “Phillip, why do you have peach-colored pencils?”
I might answer, “Because this is America, and the real question is why do I have colored pencils at all.” The answer to that is that I have a nephew and I make him draw me dope shit before I let him play my Nintendo 64, because that’s what good uncles do. That’s what drunk uncles do. And last night, I was a drunk uncle who has dope artwork from his 6-year-old nephew — because where else are you going to find a drawing of a mealworm with wings?
So tonight, I took those colored pencils and drew Philip Rivers of San Diego on top of the body of The Rock of Miami and was almost as good as a 6-year-old. While I might not match the kid’s skills with the colored pencils, this drawing is infinitely better than Philip Rivers’ two-minute drill.
I have hella colored pencils in a dope-ass colored pencils container. My nephew wore down the Dan Fouts Chargers blue pencil drawing me 4,500 versions of that winged mealworm (I don't know if that's actually a mealworm or if that thing hanging off the side is a wing). But I'm cool with it; I really don't need to color things in Chargers blue — even if it's the ugly Chargers blue from the '70s.
I also have this drawing, which I've effectively labeled as the single hair strand dragon genie. It might be a seahorse or the Kraken or a mutated tortoise that slipped out of its shell. But it looks like it's emerging from a lamp that Josiah just didn't have time to draw. There were Super Smash Bros. to be played, and lamps are obviously secondary to Super Smash Bros.
I actually planned on leaving Philip Rivers of San Diego's head flat like it is in the terrible photoshop above. But I decided that I should fill his hair in at the end. Also, this shot is before I added muscle definition. It's impossible to include all of The Rock's muscles in any drawing of him because the number of muscles he has is greater than the number of three-pointers Steph Curry hit last season. He is a very large man, and I should apologize here for drawing Rivers' face on him.
Phillip Barnett featuring Phillip Barnett.