I Want More NBA Teams To Lose By 68 Points

Here’s what I know about the 1991 Cleveland Cavaliers: nothing.

Okay, so that’s a lie. I know exactly three things about the 1991 Cleveland Cavaliers:

01: Mark Price was undoubtedly the most famous player on that team, and I only know Price was a Cavalier in the late 80s and early 90s is because if you watch Michael Jordan highlights from that time, you can always see Price looking like he’d rather be at a casino every time MJ blew by him with nothing more than a mediocre first step.

02: The Cavaliers had the 3rd-best record in the NBA during the 1991 season.

03: Cleveland beat the breaks off the Miami Heat to the tune of 148-80 in what is essentially the most important box score in NBA history.

Okay, so I lied about the importance of that particular box score, but a larger discussion about blowouts in professional sports needs to take place at some point. They’ve gotten a bad rap ever since we made David out to be a sympathetic figure following his fight with Goliath.

I love blowouts and I love when teams who are supposed to win obliterate the little guys. The first three weeks of the college football season when major programs warm up their engines against pathetic Division II schools is the only thing I respect about college sports. The NCAA Tournament is a sham unless the Final Four is chalk.

I once watched the Philadelphia 76ers lose by 30+ points on back-to-back nights because they were awful and deserved to lose just like Miami did on December 17, 1991.

photo via NBC Miami.

It’s almost been 26 years to the day since Glen Rice told reporters “I don’t know what we played, but it wasn’t basketball,” after shooting 3-8 from the field and finishing with only nine points. Miami lost by 68, a total larger than the two back-to-back 30+ losses that Philly had back in 2014. It’s still the largest margin of victory loss in NBA history and the only record I really, really want to see broken by the Golden State Warriors — even if it comes against the Lakers, the only basketball team I’ll truly love.

Save all the arguments about how basketball was better when men were men and guards could hand check and centers collided around the rim until they either blew out a knee or made a move so aesthetically unappealing that we thought basketball was better served as a contact sport. The game is in a better place than it was 10, 20 and 30 years ago, and I’m even cool with all of these guys becoming lifelong friends through the AAU circuits.

But if we don’t get a 70-point victory at some point in the next two years while every goddamned player in the league except for Ben Simmons can shoot from deep, this generation will have failed. The NBA today is about experimenting with player archetypes and implementing old and true fundamental NBA actions with new space and pace philosophies. No one really cares about who is going to win the NBA title anymore because we already know it’s going to be the Rockets.

At some point along the way, we just need the Nuggets or the Blazers or the Suns to have one of those nights where everyone is on and score 188 points on the same night they happen to be playing the Bulls. Once this happens, I’ll be able to forget some things about the past and write the following sentence and leave my computer an honest man.

Here’s what I know about the 1991 Cleveland Cavaliers: nothing.

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