Today’s Obituaries: Trindon Jerard Holliday (1986 – 2013)

(This post is satirical, and should not be accepted as news.)

Trindon Jerard Holliday, 27, passed away on October 20th, 2013. He was born on April 27th, 1986 in Zachary, Louisiana. Trindon was known as being one of the fastest people in the world, first making a name for himself as a world-class sprinter and then later as one of the best kick and punt returners in the National Football League. Unfortunately, on the day in which Peyton Manning would make his triumphant return to the house that Peyton Manning built in Lucas Oil Stadium, the Cathedral of Manning would end up being the sight of a soul-sapping death for the diminutive speedster from LSU.

While the world was busy living into the hype machine that was Peyton Manning vs. Andrew Luck, Trindon Holliday was seen watching old clips of the 2008 Olympics on a laptop in the locker room.

“Man, I’m faster than Usain Bolt. Watch me cook!” — Trindon Holliday

It was a common scene in the locker room for the 5’5″ sprinter, as re-living his glory days as a sprinter would serve as his fuel to get ready for the game. His teammates would let him live in his own moment, as a kick or punt return from Holliday could prove the difference in the game for the Broncos. This was Holliday’s mojo.

In the first quarter of the Colts vs. Broncos, Holliday would have his chance in the spotlight as the Colts had to punt. Holliday gathered the punt and began to sprint to the left-side, except that he inexplicably fumbled the ball while trying to take it up the field. With his mouth agape and his confidence draining by the minute, Holliday watched in horror on the big screen as his fumble was replayed 284 times in front of 85,000 screaming Colts fans. One play later, the Colts scored. Peyton Manning was seen shooting the evil eyes at Holliday, and Holliday put his helmet on and acted like he didn’t see the death star from #18.

With the Colts ready to kickoff, Holliday was in prime position to atone for his mistake. With the ball lofted high in the air by Pat McAfee, Holliday remembered his past life, running down the straight-away on the track, and when he got the ball, he again went up the left side of the field. He’d found daylight, and there was only one man left to beat in the kicker. There’s no way the kicker is going to stop Trindon Holliday from reaching the finish line. This was his atonement.

And then it happened….

Sources say that Patrick Vincent McAfee committed an assault on Holliday that caused Holliday’s soul to seep out into the rafters. Holliday’s body was somehow still functioning, but many Broncos teammates say that Holliday had a glassy stare in his face and kept muttering, “I got caught by the kicker dog….I got caught by the kicker.”

A scholarship foundation has been setup in Holliday’s name by various former legendary kickoff returners. Major donors include Vai Sikahema, Eric Bienemy and Dave Meggett. The scholarship is being funded to serve as a reminder that returners should never get caught by the kicker or the punter, and that this type of travesty can never happen again.

4 Replies to “Today’s Obituaries: Trindon Jerard Holliday (1986 – 2013)”

  1. Homie got baptized on the sideline….smdh

    #GoneTooSoon #IReallyMissMyHomies #MournYouTillWeJoinYou #LifeGoesOn #GangstaLeanCourtesyOfMcAfee #HashtagMafia

  2. And THEN….And THEN…

    McAfee stood up over the body like Frank Lucas after he bodied Tango on the street in broad daylight…

    McAfee walked back to the sideline like Walter White after he blew up Tucco’s spot…

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