(Ed’s Note: Today’s Obituaries is a satire series that runs on The Sports Fan Journal. Don’t be lame and get offended. Thanks.)
Richard Allen Jefferson, 35, passed away on Monday, June 13th, 2016, during Game 5 of the 2016 NBA Finals as the Cleveland Cavaliers were attempting to save their season and prevent the Golden State Warriors from repeating as NBA champions. Jefferson, a crafty NBA veteran who somehow has played basketball with every Arizona Wildcat legend from Steve Kerr to Aaron Gordon, unfortunately met his ultimate demise trying to be “one of the young guys” one too many times during a meeting at the rim with Shaun Livingston.
Per the Fox Sports sources close to the Golden State Warriors said that Draymond Green was given a virtual reality headset with the name “J. Lacob” written on the back of it, partly as a gift, but partly to send a message to his teammtes. Per The Undefeated’s numerous spies, there is a button on the headset that would allow Green to go full 2Pac and display a hologram to anyone in the Warriors locker room. Green and the rest of the Warriors were aware of the #FreeDraymond campaign, as fans would allegedly be chanting this phrase throughout the night. Per the rogue reporters of Bleacher Report, Green’s hologram was played by the dashiki-wearing Festus Ezeli just before the Warriors were to take the court. Green, per the secret agents of the Worldwide Leader, gave a message to the team that was inspired by his friend and mentor Marshawn Lynch. (Lynch would later join Green in the Oakland A’s suite during the game.)
“If you just run through somebody’s face, a lot of people ain’t going to be able to take that over and over and over and over and over again. They’re just not going to want that.”
Shaun Livingston seemed a bit confused by what Green was saying, and attempted to follow up by saying, “Is there a deeper metaphor there?”
“Run through a mother——- face.”
Midway through the second quarter, Livingston was seen scratching his head and looking a bit confused on the bench. Then, in an instant, the light bulb went off. Livingston ushered to head coach Steve Kerr that he was ready to go into the game. Kerr obliged, then this happened.
Sources from the A’s say that in the Oakland Coliseum suite, Lynch and Green never bothered to turn the game on, as one attendant stated off the record that Green gave Lynch an egregiously long dap and softly told the legendary tailback that, “his work here was done” and that, “let’s play some dominoes with Bob Myers and ole buddy with the egregious afro and sip some Henny.”
A collection plate was passed around the arena for the Jefferson family as they try and recover from their beloved son as he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Evidently every Arizona Wildcat still in the NBA refused to make any donations due to their disbelief that Jefferson should’ve still been in the NBA doing the things he’s done previously in the first place.
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”