Today’s Obituaries – Florida Gators Safety Josh Evans (1990-2012)

(Ed’s Note: Today’s Obituaries is a satire series that runs on The Sports Fan Journal and Ed The Sports Fan. Don’t be lame and get offended. Thanks.)

Josh Evans, 22, passed away on September 8th, 2012. He was born and raised in Irvington, New Jersey and was the starting safety for the Florida Gators football team. Evans was really just an innocent bystander who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time as the monotonous banter and dialogue of “THE SEC IS GREATER THAN EVERYTHING IN LIFE” began to grow tiresome to everyone involved with the game of college football. The Gators took a trip to College Station, Texas to face-off with the newly-installed Texas A&M Aggies, where Gators head coach Will Muschamp uttered the famous words about the college town.

“You ever been to College Station? It’ll be the only time you go.” — Will Muschamp

Who knew that Muschamp’s words would prove to be prophetic for one of his own players.

Texas A&M hosted their home opener in Kyle Field and welcomed their guests with a freshman quarterback in Johnny Manziel, who plays with his hair on fire, and a trio of running backs who tote the rock with a vengeance. The Aggies were playing smash-mouth football against the vaunted Gators defense; I mean really showing true disrespect to what the SEC was supposed to be all about, right? HOW DARE YE COME INTO THY SEC AND PLAY SMASH-MOUTH FOOTBALL AGAINST US? THAT’S WHAT DOTH DO! Or something.

While Manziel was getting his Willie Beamen on, and Christine Michael becoming the most ferocious female-named tailback ever, and Trey Williams secretly exposing himself as being the real-life Smash Williams from Friday Night Lights, the man wearing No. 1 was ready to end it for some unsuspecting poor fella.

Ben Malena wears No. 1 for the Aggies, but the man only had one objective on his mind once he got his chance to carry the rock. He wanted to bust heads. Why? He was mad as hell. He was mad that he had to share the ball with two other backs. I WEAR #1, DAMMIT! He was mad at all the disrespect Texas A&M received for joining the SEC, in that they’d be unable to keep up with supposedly great conference. But most importantly, he was mad that he didn’t get a chance to get some Rudy’s Chicken the last time he was home. That can make anyone mad. Ask this guy.

Malena proceeded to get the ball on a draw play and the hole opened up the middle like Moses parted it. For a moment, it looked like Malena would break to daylight, until Josh Evans stood in his way. Malena didn’t even break stride. Head down, running full speed, Malena trucked Evans into oblivion and the mystique of the SEC was quickly put to rest.

A special foundation has been created in Evans name, called the “Nobody gives a got damn about the SEC for goodness sakes,” regardless of how many consecutive national championships you may have won. Supposedly, large donations from all five BCS conference commissioners have already been made.

Credit to Bleacher Report for the gif and CFB Section for the video.

16 Replies to “Today’s Obituaries – Florida Gators Safety Josh Evans (1990-2012)”

  1. this guy is sick and shouldnt be allowed to tweeter on this site. the fl. player was carted off on a stretcher and he has not come back to the sidelines. people who read this may think football has caused another grave accident like the guy from i believe it was rutgers. he may think saying somebody died is funny but how would he frrl if it was his relative this happened to and he hadnt heard what the injury really was. dont allow morons like this to make comments. if mine is to blatant ,then dont show it either. by the way i am a buckeye fan ,not a gator fan.

  2. Hmmmmm… and after going into the half and finally having something to evaluate on these cats, A&M proceeded to gain a total of 65 yards in the second half and lose the damn game.

    The mystique of the SEC is alive and well and A&M won’t see a half like that first one the rest of their SEC slate save Ole Miss, book it.

  3. It’s not “lame” to be offended by the name of this column, because it IS offensive.

    I imagine the writer/editors to be a pretty young bunch. You won’t think your juvenile obituary theme is half as amusing when you look back as an older (and one can only hope, wiser) journalist.

    People — including extended family members and friends — can read your headline and be misled to a horrible conclusion. Yeah, it’s a real bucket of yuks.

    And if the day ever comes when you aspire to writing for top-tier sports media (SI, for example), these clips will define you as an irresponsible hacker.

    So, grow up — you’re overdue.

    1. How much older and wiser do I have to be to understand that this post is a parody/satire article? LOL…I guess I’d better learn to read first. I hope I never get to write for a top-tier sports media publication…oh wait. Heheh.

  4. JUvenile.. and not even real satire….read…and retake that engl 101 class if you are not sure how to write real satire. Shame on you for this headline. Josh Evans comes from a town whose residents are proud of his accomplishments and follows his career. My heart nearly skipped a beat when i saw this headline.. You sir are a JerK and a Joke if you think this how you report on a college football game.

  5. Anyone who has dealt with the public on the Internet can tell you there are plenty of people out there who would struggle with the idea of an obituary as not real, a work of satire.

    Also, unfortunately, the headline is repeated on search engine results pages and RSS feeds. I don’t see anything about “satire” in the headline.

    Maybe it’s OK, maybe it’s not, there are worse things to worry about — but it’s not lame to have a problem with this format.

    You might work on your writing as well, it is a bit collegiate at best.

  6. Didn’t find any new “obituaries” when I did a web search. Hard to say if this doofus learned a lesson, or he was let go, or reassigned to cleaning wastebaskets.

    His writing was 10th-grade, but his worst offense was ignoring the many opportunities he had to apologize for a truly tasteless article.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *