(Ed’s Note: Today’s Obituaries is a satire series that runs on The Sports Fan Journal and Ed The Sports Fan. Don’t be lame and get offended. Thanks.)
Josh Evans, 22, passed away on September 8th, 2012. He was born and raised in Irvington, New Jersey and was the starting safety for the Florida Gators football team. Evans was really just an innocent bystander who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time as the monotonous banter and dialogue of “THE SEC IS GREATER THAN EVERYTHING IN LIFE” began to grow tiresome to everyone involved with the game of college football. The Gators took a trip to College Station, Texas to face-off with the newly-installed Texas A&M Aggies, where Gators head coach Will Muschamp uttered the famous words about the college town.
“You ever been to College Station? It’ll be the only time you go.” — Will Muschamp
Who knew that Muschamp’s words would prove to be prophetic for one of his own players.
Texas A&M hosted their home opener in Kyle Field and welcomed their guests with a freshman quarterback in Johnny Manziel, who plays with his hair on fire, and a trio of running backs who tote the rock with a vengeance. The Aggies were playing smash-mouth football against the vaunted Gators defense; I mean really showing true disrespect to what the SEC was supposed to be all about, right? HOW DARE YE COME INTO THY SEC AND PLAY SMASH-MOUTH FOOTBALL AGAINST US? THAT’S WHAT DOTH DO! Or something.
While Manziel was getting his Willie Beamen on, and Christine Michael becoming the most ferocious female-named tailback ever, and Trey Williams secretly exposing himself as being the real-life Smash Williams from Friday Night Lights, the man wearing No. 1 was ready to end it for some unsuspecting poor fella.
Ben Malena wears No. 1 for the Aggies, but the man only had one objective on his mind once he got his chance to carry the rock. He wanted to bust heads. Why? He was mad as hell. He was mad that he had to share the ball with two other backs. I WEAR #1, DAMMIT! He was mad at all the disrespect Texas A&M received for joining the SEC, in that they’d be unable to keep up with supposedly great conference. But most importantly, he was mad that he didn’t get a chance to get some Rudy’s Chicken the last time he was home. That can make anyone mad. Ask this guy.
Malena proceeded to get the ball on a draw play and the hole opened up the middle like Moses parted it. For a moment, it looked like Malena would break to daylight, until Josh Evans stood in his way. Malena didn’t even break stride. Head down, running full speed, Malena trucked Evans into oblivion and the mystique of the SEC was quickly put to rest.
A special foundation has been created in Evans name, called the “Nobody gives a got damn about the SEC for goodness sakes,” regardless of how many consecutive national championships you may have won. Supposedly, large donations from all five BCS conference commissioners have already been made.
Credit to Bleacher Report for the gif and CFB Section for the video.
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”