(Ed’s Note: Today’s Obituaries is a satire series that runs on The Sports Fan Journal. Don’t be lame and get offended. Thanks.)
JaVale Lindy McGee, 25, passed away on Sunday, April 28th, 2013, during game 4 of the first round of the 2013 Western Conference Playoffs. McGee, the son of a former WNBA star and lover of kisses from Julius Erving in Pamela McGee, is known for having the wingspan of an albatross and for being the leading character on Inside The NBA’s “Shaqtin’ A Fool.” However, what transpired to McGee on Sunday evening is what happens when a person unfamiliar to the area has “The Bay Area” influence their life. For Andrew Bogut, this transformation consists of talking crazy to members of the opposing team and generally being disrespectful whenever he pleases. You know…a goon.
I am reporting live from the scene at Oracle Arena and it seems that Bogut, 28, is being accused of not giving a got damn about the livelihood of McGee. Bogut had already threw down a hellacious dunk earlier in the contest and also committed two fouls in the first quarter. Real GM contributor Danny Leroux even questioned why Bogut was still in the game with two fouls, but it’s obvious that the only real answer was that again, Andrew Bogut clearly doesn’t give a got damn.
Bogut received the ball at the top of the key and immediately charged at the rim and McGee. Sources sitting courtside said that the look on Bogut’s face reminded them of Bishop’s (Tupac) face in Juice when he got ahold of the gun. Bogut rose up and assaulted McGee with a forearm shiver and a throwdown jam that made the near 20,000 in attendance in Oracle gasp in terror and joy simultaneously. Even JaVale’s initial response as he got dunked on was to look up to the jumbotron and watch himself get dunked into oblivion. Then something weird happened…
The jumbotron man, whomever this person is, kept replaying the Bogut dunk on McGee. They showed it from every conceivable angle possible, and with every new viewing on the big screen the crowd just keep screaming for more blood. The ooh’s were longer, the aaah’s were more drawn out, and McGee’s soul began to seep into the rafters. By the 5th replay, McGee’s soul was chillin’ next to Chris Mullin’s retired #17.
A scholarship foundation has been created called the “Big Men Be Dunking On Other Big Men And Not Giving A Got Damn In The Process” by Shaquille O’Neal and Amare Stoudemire, because well…they are big men who be dunking on other big men and not giving a got damn. So please make your donations today. We’re not sure if JaVale’s soul has made it all the way to the high heavens yet, but I bet even the security at the Pearly Gates have watched the dunk on replay at least 5-6 times.
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”