Today’s Obituaries: Brandon Knight (1991-2013) Took A Wrong Turn In Lob City

(Ed’s Note: Today’s Obituaries is a satire series that runs on The Sports Fan Journal. Don’t be lame and get offended. Thanks.)

Brandon Knight, 21, passed away on Sunday, March 10, 2013. He was a born and raised Floridian who was currently serving as the starting shooting guard for the Detroit Pistons. What transpired on Sunday evening between the Pistons and the Los Angeles Clippers was what happens when an ambitious young pup thinks he can get a ball bouncing into oncoming traffic. We applaud ambition, to think that someone could pull off the unthinkable, navigating through cars speeding through the intersection, in hopes of attain that precious bouncing ball. Unfortunately for Knight, the only thing that his ambition got him was his body getting splattered on the basketball court by an oncoming MAC Truck.

Sources say that Hyland DeAndre Jordan was just trailing the play like he was supposed to do as the center for the Los Angeles Clippers went suddenly someone spoke to him in his mind. Telepathy, is what I think they call it. Chris Paul spoke to Deandre in his head:

“Hey man, I’m about to try and throw this egregious alley-oop that I’ve been dreaming about for weeks. Dog, I’m gonna go to the elbow of the three-point line and just throw ball in the air real real high. I need you to run a wind sprint from about 25 feet away and then jump from the dotted-line, then dunk the ball real real hard. I don’t care if there are people in the way or if it sounds like an impossible task, just do it, and all the riches and spoils will be laid at your feet. Nod if you understand this lengthy conversation that transpired probably in 2.5 seconds in real time.”

Jordan nodded, and the rest was history.

Knight saw the pass coming from Chris Paul and for whatever reason thought that he had a chance in hades in deflecting the ball. The Lob City Choir altogether rose as one as their deacon went into the rafters to dunk the ball home in egregious fashion and Knight fell down into a crumbled heap on his back, looking up into the heavens asking a simple question, “Why Lord?”

Sources say that Chris Paul looked like he was concerned for the well-being of Knight, although many believe properly that this was all his fault to begin with. I mean, how are you going to trust someone with your well-being if he has a past history of punching people in the nuts? That’s not nice. Blake Griffin cheered on from the sidelines while holding back his jealousy that Paul hadn’t chosen to speak to him telepathically instead. Jordan made a face that could only be described as “YEEEEESH!” Little kids jumped for joy all around the arena, women threw their undergarments at Jordan’s feet, and grown men sobbed with joy watching a young man get slaughtered on the hardwood floor.

A scholarship fund has been started in honor of Brandon Knight, as it is named the, “Don’t be a dummy like Damon Jones did that one time on the fast break getting in the way of LeBron James like that then crumbling into the fetal position in mid-air while getting dunked on” scholarship fund. Brandon Knight’s soul will now be forced to wear egregiously colored suits on the sidelines of future All-Star games so that we will never forget this travesty that took place on Sunday night.

13 Replies to “Today’s Obituaries: Brandon Knight (1991-2013) Took A Wrong Turn In Lob City”

    1. Rest in peace, William Alvin Moody (Paul Bearer). He was only 58. I thought he was about that old when he first started in the WWF.

  1. Gotta give credit to Knight for having fun with it on Twitter too, “It wasn’t in the scouting report the Clippers threw lobs lol.”

    Always dope when you can laugh at yourself. Still doesn’t make this dunk any less nasty though lol.

    1. There has been some money pouring on this obituary.

      We have 100 dollars from the Anderson Varejao “Fell and got walked on by D-Wade” Foundation,
      200 dollars from the Mark Jackson “I got nuts in my face from Tom Chambers.” foundation,
      Another 200 from the Timofey Mozgov foundation,
      and a whopping 500 dollars from the Alton Lister “I got dunked on and pointed at” foundation.

  2. Like we discussed last week, I see no shame in getting dunked on, especially when the dude is a foot taller. Knight was a man. He made an effort to defend. There’s about a 2% chance that his presence might distract Jordan enough to miss the dunk.

    The cowards are the ones who duck out of the way. Sounds like Brandon is keeping his head up – good for him.

  3. No one is saying Knight is a horrible player for actually trying to play defense. Woj is a good column writer, and has done some great work in the past and this year, but that article was a stretch if there ever was one.

    People have been getting clowned for getting dunked on for years, wayyyyyyy before social media. This isn’t some new trend. It’s one of the most exciting plays in basketball.

    Miss me with that uppity “we’re ruining the game” crap. Kudos to Knight for trying to block it although he had basically no shot. Kudos for him having fun at his expense. And double kudos for Jordan for giving us an instant classic dunk.

  4. Monroe is the problem. He did not rotate on defense and got caught in no man’s land. DeAndre noticed this and gave Paul the look.

    If you want to ridicule someone, Monroe is the one who totally blew the play, not Knight.

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