(Ed’s Note: Before there was thesportsfanjournal.com there was edthesportsfan.com. From 2008-12, Kenny, The Rev, Phillip, Tinsley and myself published over 900+ articles on that blog, and from time to time we knocked some dope articles out the park. We understand that you might not have been around with us during those days, but every once in a while a relevant article from the ETSF library will become quite relevant. So today we present to you The Archives, some of the great pieces from ETSF’s glory days. Enjoy.)
This article was originally published by Eddie Maisonet at edthesportsfan.com on May 19, 2011.
I just want you to think about your circle of friends real quick — when was the last time someone you knew actually wore some cornrows? I would venture that it’s been quite a long time.
So whenever I see someone wearing them strong in 2011 (or 2014), it always makes me take a step back. Why? Because I know that there’s something in that man’s head that lets me know that he is not to be trifled with. The mental makeup of someone wearing the jumper cable braids is probably someone who does not give a got damn about you, your friends, your family, or themselves for that matter. They have no regard for human life…
…and that’s the type of player you want on your team.
What we saw from Udonis Haslem was awe-inspiring. The dude literally rose from the dead, put on for his hometown Miami, and did every single little thing the Heat needed to win that basketball game was just absurd. The man was grabbing offensive rebounds he had no business getting, the man was dunking on people like a savage, acquiring every loose ball, and for the 23 minutes he helped pass the baton to LeBron to close the show in the 4th quarter. If Haslem isn’t there, the Heat are trying to keep the game close versus surging ahead for the lead.
But back to Haslem for a minute…
What makes Haslem so scary is that he does not care about getting dunked on. Not at all. Its amazing just to see him walking around because we had to obituary the man last year. He’s either going to willingly take the charge or he’s going to ignorantly try and block your layup/jumper/dunk attempt. Most of us have too much common sense to try and do such a thing, but realistically it’s exactly what you need. Someone to go out there and make a play. It’s so foolish that it becomes genius. Haslem is THE only guy on the team that’s willing to play that way for Miami, and he COULD possibly be the real x-factor for the Heat.
I’m convinced that wearing the cornrows in such a fashion steals your sanity. Look at the homie Ronny Turiaf. He’s been wearing those Twizzler dookie braids since he came over from France. He wears those braids so tight on his head that he always looked surprised when he’s on the court. Honestly though, he’s the toughest player on the Knicks. He’s the only one trying to block shots, to play defense, and hustles on a consistent basis. Yet, he STAYS getting dunked on. I mean, banged on with no remorse. Yet, he’s like Fulton Reed…1 out of 4 times he’ll block your dunk and make a momentum-changing play. You need guys like that on your team, someone who really doesn’t care about life. Just going extra hard the whole time.
That’s why the future first-round draft pick Kawhi Leonard from San Diego State will play in the league for 15 seasons. He has no discernible skill, yet he’s Mr. Go Hard all the time. Nene stays just trying to dunk on people with his straight back Brazilian braids. I bet Tyler Hansbrough dreams about himself wearing cornrows; he goes too hard all the time not to. Latrell Sprewell’s cornrows almost willed the Knicks and the Timberwolves to a damn title. Riley from The Boondocks might be one of the trillest cartoon characters of all time! (s/o to @coolblack06) You don’t want it with the cornrow life, you really don’t.
The Bulls should be very afraid right now…they really don’t want it with Haslem. They need to talk the homie Wa-keem Noah to go on ahead and get the straight-backs rolling and maybe it’ll swing the momentum back in their direction.
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”