Unless it’s about my Oklahoma Sooners. I melt down like Lindsay Lohan does when life smacks her in the face.
Anyway, last night I got on my computer after Oklahoma won an abysmal game 24-7 versus UTEP on Saturday night. Oklahoma played putrid, the Oklahoma offense looked like they just met each other five minutes ago, and the middle of the defense looked like Moses parted it for UTEP’s running backs to run through. Oh, and UTEP had magical mustard. This caused me to just start typing. It was late at night. I’d been drinking Crown Royal. I started comparing my favorite football team to a woman. I can’t make this stuff up. Pray for me y’all.
The Oklahoma Sooners football team has turned into the girlfriend that is fine as hell but comes with a few problems. Namely, she has a smoking problem, she farts at inopportune moments and invariably has a drinking problem.
90% of the time, none of this is an issue. You can get past the ashtray breath (lack of a consistent running game) because you like to smoke a cigar from time to time and she never complains about your breath, so you keep it moving. Besides, she’s fine as hell, right?
Then you happen to have a house party and invite friends over. Your boys, who are excited to hear about this new woman you got, are waiting to see who’s been hoarding all of your time. They’ve heard how beautiful she is, and then when they see her, they totally understand why you don’t come out the house. Unfortunately, midway through the night, she forgot she ate too much cheese dip and lets out an egregious fart in front of all your boys. (OU vs. UTEP in ’12, OU vs. Utah St. in ’10, OU vs. Cincy in ’10.) For the next week, you gotta hear about your chick passing gas that smelled like spoiled milk and act like it never happened.
Finally, you have a company event and you decide to bring your woman out. Your boss is there and you’re up for a promotion. A little schmoozing here and there, and you’ll be a shoe-in for the new gig. At this event there just so happens to be an open bar, and your woman takes full advantage. You go to the little boys room for a minute, and you come back to see your woman propositioning your boss for a “promotion.” About that promotion? Yep, down the drains. (Every loss OU suffers in the Big 12 schedule that they have no business losing.)
In all honesty, you may end up wifing the woman for obvious reasons. She’s fine as hell. Makes good money. Knows where your “spot” is and makes a mean steak sandwich. Yet, you marry her knowing who she is and who she isn’t. When she messes up, it’s not even a surprise anymore. You just manage the damage and move on. This is how I feel about Bob Stoops and the Oklahoma Sooners. I love Boomer Sooner, but man she can be a real piece sometimes.
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”