Today's Obituaries: Kris Nathan Humphries (1985 - 2014)


(Ed’s Note: Today’s Obituaries is a satire series that runs on The Sports Fan Journal. Don’t be lame and get offended. Thanks.) 

Kris Nathan Humphries, 28, passed away on January 8th, 2014. He was born on February 6, 1985, in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Kris is known for a variety of things in this world, but he's most notably known as the one-time spouse of the well-known Kim Kardashian — and was a 10-year veteran in the NBA. Humphries was a member of the Boston Celtics on the night of his death as his team had traveled all the way out to the west coast to face the Los Angeles Clippers.

You know … I'm going to break script from this obituary because I can't stop thinking about the first thing that popped up into the Google search when I typed the name "Kris Humphries" into the search bar. I swear on everything that is holy that this is the first line that popped up:

"Kris Humphries Fires Back at Herpes Girl: You're Too Slutty to Sue Me."

I mean … dog, what? How does this even happen? What has transpired in your life that these words are uttered out of your mouth? I think this was divine intervention that the Celtics came to visit the Clippers on this fateful Wednesday night. I mean, what better person would it be to turn into the Grim Reaper once again than Omega Red himself in Blake Griffin. So when I was just minding my own business while trying to be productive on my sofa, Blake decided to spaz out on Kris Humphries' life.

I mean … dog, what? Did you see DeAndre Jordan's reaction? The man was flummoxed and bamboozled as to what he had just saw.

A scholarship foundation has been setup in Humphries' name by Lamar Odom. "This will prove to the world that the fellas should leave them salacious jezebel hussies alone," said Odom via telegram. Odom stated that he will be sure to give funds to underprivileged kids who have cable and will subsequently pay the cable companies to cut their cable off so that they can never watch reality television. "These youngsters need to get their priorities straight," Odom said. "Otherwise, they might end up like Lamar Odo … I mean, Kris Humphries."

8 Replies to “Today's Obituaries: Kris Nathan Humphries (1985 - 2014)”

  1. Kris Humphries is Charlie Brown.

    Marry Kim Kardashian. Kanye takes Kim Kardashian from you. Puts you in a song. Plants a baby in Kim's belly. Has her riding naked on a motorcycle in his in one of his videos.

    And then this happens to you.

  2. Ed,

    I just want to say publicly that your obituaries are the greatest of all time (Kanye rant).

    The Clippers radio announcer said it best, "What's worse, marrying a Kardashian or making it into the Mosgov Hall of Fame?"

    And the LO telegraph...classic

  3. is Blake Griffin still allowed to roam the streets at night?! This man is a serial obituary-er. Somebody needs to put him on America's Most Wanted, The 106 & Park Top 10 List or SOMETHIN.

    #HideYaKris #YeezysWife #BlakeDunkinOnErrbodyOutHerre

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