Pete: I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.
Ruxin: How so?
Pete: Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.
Kevin: They're drafted to other peoples teams.
Pete: And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.
Andre: Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?
Pete: Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle—she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails—there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace—not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.
Welcome to Week 5 of our fantasy football therapy hate session.
Here at TSFJ, we like to provide a platform of therapy for the people. Sometimes a good “woosah” can be all the difference in getting something off your chest and moving on to the next week. Plus, we know that you’re tired of hearing people say, “no one cares about your fantasy team.” That’s not true — we care. (Kinda.)
As always, we have done the grunt work and reached out to our friends and family to find out who the players are that folks ABSOLUTELY HATED with all of their fantasy football souls in Week 3. Enjoy.
The Player: Peyton Manning
The Box Score: 22/35, 266 Yards, 0 TD/2 INT
Peyton, I know father time is undefeated, and it's hard to see you throw Aflac ducks all over the football field. I thought you would have a big day against the Raiders, but Charles Woodson & Co. had other motives. You gift-wrapped 2 INTs to Woodson, and you failed to throw a touchdown pass — not even ONE touchdown. Your brother Eli threw for three touchdowns, and you showed up and threw the same amount of touchdowns as your pops Archie. Once upon a time you were regarded as one of the best players in fantasy football, but now you're just a shell of yourself. I thought I'd never say this, but in the words of Vince McMahon: YOU'RE FIRED from being my fantasy football quarterback. -- @Ron_Hamp
(This is the portion of the show where all of the hate will now be directed toward the Atlanta Falcons. You 5-0 bums.)
The Player: Matt Ryan
The Box Score: 24/42, 256 yards, 0 TD/2 INT
I realize I probably should blame you, because you're the one who's throwing the passes. However, you're benefiting from quarterback privilege, so I shall focus my hate for someone else... — @edthesportsfan
The Player: Devonta Freeman
The Box Score: 153 rushing yards, 44 receiving yards, 1 TD
Damn bruh, aight. Not you... — @edthesportsfan
The Player: Jacob Tamme
The Box Score: 8 catches, 94 yards
Ain't you the dude that followed Peyton Manning around for his entire career? You, sir, are a genius. Let's keep it moving... — @edthesportsfan
The Player: Julio Jones
The Box Score: 5 catches, 67 yards
Can't hate on Julio, dude played 73 of 80 snaps basically on one leg due to a hamstring injury. No hate from me. Let's keep looking... — @edthesportsfan
The Player: Leonard Hankerson
The Box Score: 1 catch, 13 yards
You bum. I finally put my trust in you after I cursed Roddy White to high heavens, and then you do this to me? I lose by one point, and all I had to do is keep... — @edthesportsfan
The Player: Roddy White
The Box Score: 2 catches, 23 yards
You got some nerve man. — @edthesportsfan
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”