My bench is this magical, mystery realm where ordinary players play like superstars.
— The League Quotes (@TheLeagueQuotes) September 21, 2015
I am a Jacksonville Jaguars fan. Also, I hate the Dallas Cowboys. Here’s how both relate to my fantasy football misery. For whatever reason, I decided to own Tony Romo in four leagues. Also, in an instance of fandom overriding common sense, I drafted Allen Robinson in four leagues. The net result? Tony Romo’s probably gone until Thanksgiving. Allen Robinson put up the third greatest receiving performance in Jacksonville Jaguars history.
Welcome to Week 2 of our fantasy football therapy hate session.
Here at TSFJ, we like to provide a platform of therapy for the people. Sometimes a good “woosah” can be all the difference in getting something off your chest and moving on to the next week. Plus, we know that you’re tired of hearing people say, “no one cares about your fantasy team.” That’s not true — we care. (Kinda.)
As always, we have done the grunt work and reached out to our friends and family to find out who the players are that folks ABSOLUTELY HATED with all of their fantasy football souls in Week 2. Enjoy.
The Player: Andrew Luck (2 votes)
The Box Score: 21/37, 250 yards, 1 TD/3 INT, 24 rushing yards, 1 fumble
They said you were the chosen one. They said that your Neanderthal beard would be an adequate replacement for ol’ slinky neck. They said it was a reach taking you in the second round of my fantasy draft. But no. I believed. I bought in. I drank the red (not cherry, red) Kool-Aid. And this is how you repay me. I didn’t start you Week 1 because I thought Ben Roethlisberger had a better match-up. This week Big Ben faced my beloved 49ers, whose staunch defense was sure to give him fits, so I chose you. This did not happen, of course. Ben went Super Saiyan level 4 on the Niners’ D. And what did you do? In one game you singlehandedly justified Darrelle Revis’ $39 million in guaranteed money. I was thinking of dangling you as trade bait for the guy who just lost Tony Romo for half the year, but hell, now you’ve washed THAT down the drain. Luckily for you, my fantasy prowess still led me to a win this week. And your piss-poor performance has led you right back to my fantasy bench. — @ccdavisjr
— NFL (@NFL) September 22, 2015
If neck beards were automatic fantasy points, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation. But they aren’t, Andrew, so here we are. You were trash this weekend and weren’t all that great the weekend before either, and I’m going to need you to start doing a lot better. You can start to get better by throwing it to guys on your own team. Preferably in the end zone? Would that be good for you? That’d be a lot better for me. Speaking of better, here’s a list of quarterbacks who have been better than you in fantasy football this year: Blake Bortles, Derek Carr, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Nick Foles and Ryan Mallett. These are guys I can pick up any day on the waiver wire. They’re fantasy scrubs. And they’re doing a lot better than you right now. I suppose I could stick up for you like T.O. did for Tony Romo, but you’re not my quarterback. Go have a seat. I’m going to go look at the waiver wire. — @cheedelt
The Player: Drew Brees. Oh, and the entire offensive line
The Box Score: 24/38, 255 yards, 1 INT, 4 sacks, 80.5 QBR
Hey guys, who am I?? [tosses under-thrown duck to defender] That’s right, I’m Drew Brees! The Breesedgod — *sigh* — the whole world was counting on you! Well, at least your fantasy owners. And more importantly, you took my heart and did the Kid ‘n Play all over it. Come on, bro, you’re super Mighty Morphin’ Power Drew, and you let Young Crab Leg Face outperform you like that? Colin Kaepernick has more FF points than you. The Jets defense has more points than you. Dammit, Drew, Tyler Eifert has more points than you! Is Brittany preggers again? Did the crocodile you wrestled put stress on your shoulder? The next time you and BFF Sean P are having a long, romantic walk in Jackson Square together, why don’t you ask him to take the load off your hands just a skosh? Not that it’ll help because your O-line apparently started a pool on who could get you hurt the fastest (and it worked). My Uncle Leon with the limp leg and pimp cane could even rush through that “protection.” Get in the game, Drew! God forbid owners have to bench you, or, worse, we have to prepare for the era of … um, well, who the hell is the Saints’ backup quarterback? — @Mslightbright
The Player: Charles Johnson
The Box Score: 3 catches, 10 yards
During the insufferable period after basketball free agency and before the start of the NFL regular season, people like me end up stumbling upon pieces from beat writers around the country saying things like Charles Johnson is the receiver Teddy Bridgewater trusts most and take it into account. After all, they know far more about the team. Even though Johnson only caught 31 balls last season, there was reason for optimism considering the expected development of Mr. Bridgewater. Getting drilled with 2.7 points on only three targets Week 1 hurt, but that can always be an aberration. Catching every ball thrown to you and ending up with 10 YARDS? As a president of these United States once opined, there’s an old saying that says, “fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” — @DannyLeroux
The Player: Coby Fleener
The Box Score: 0 targets, 0 catches
When Coby Fleener tweeted, “Excited for @ESPNMondayNight at #lucasoilstadium! Let’s get loud @Colts fans! #NYJvsIND #MNF #BlueMonday” before the Colts’ embarrassing loss to the Jets on Monday, you could have been forgiven for thinking he’d be involved in that game. I get it, the Jets’ defense is good — but ZERO FUCKING TARGETS?! I know Andrew Luck is busy spreading the ball around to all the different members of the New York secondary, but he could have gone ahead and thrown it to Fleener ONE TIME. T.Y. Hilton was hurt, and he got seven targets. Andre Johnson died two years ago, and he got seven targets. Phillip Dorsett is approximately the size of #PizzaRat, and Luck threw it to him six times. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A JOSH ROBINSON IS AND HE GOT FIVE DAMN TARGETS! All this while trying to come back and without the other TE, Dwayne Allen. Fleener was targeted 92 times last year, third-most on the team, and was just five yards behind Reggie Wayne for the second-leading receiver. He now has one target this season — he caught that pass for a five-yard gain and the Colts are 0-2. JUST AN IDEA, BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY THROWING IT TO HIM AGAIN SOMEDAY. — @thekolsky
The Player: DeMarco ‘Death Stare’ Murray
The Box Score: 13 carries, 2 yards.
Two yards, bruh?!?!?!?!?!?!? Dawg, you had two yards in a regulation football game. How the hell am I supposed to respect a man who’s getting paid a boatload of money to run the ball like LaMont Jordan circa 2006? Then you want to have the audacity to puff your chest out and mean mug your teammates like they’re the failure. Seriously, you’re playing like my little sister is controlling you on Madden with the difficulty on Hall of Fame. Listen, if you can’t produce more than 50 yards on the ground next week, the city of Philadelphia should exercise its right make your life a living hell. What a disgrace. — @logan_murdock
The Player: Frank Gore
The Box Score: I DON’T KNOW BUT THERE WAS DEFINITELY A GOAL LINE FUMBLE IN THERE (15 carries, 57 yards. 1 catch, 4 yards)
When Aaliyah said, “Age ain’t nothing but a number,” she was clearly talking about boning an old creep and wasn’t at all talking about Frank Gore. Because Frank Gore is old. And he sucks. Still, I was in prime position to beat my arch-nemesis Preezy the Earthworm Jim-faced bum. However, Frank Gore fumbled the ball on the goal line without a single person touching him. He just dropped it. And cost my team two points. How crucial were those two points? Me and Preezy — who looks like he puts actual dirt in Sprite bottles and drinks it — ended up TIED. Tied. I’m disgusted. — @DavidDTSS
The Player: Mike Evans
The Box Score: 0 catches, 0 yards
After praising Evans for sitting out last week, allowing me to use someone else in his place, it would appear that I spoke too soon. Reports throughout the week declared the almighty hamstring to have been 100 percent — it was all systems go for the physical freak. Not so fast, said the Tampa Bay game plan (and, to a point, the New Orleans Saints). With the Bucs maintaining a lead throughout, and not having a need to air it out, Evans only saw three targets, hauling in nary a one. Where DeSean Jackson’s goose egg came as a WR3, every person who started Evans was hoping for borderline WR1 return. If Josh McCown can connect with Evans on the regular, I fully expect Jameis Winston to be able to do the same. Let’s get it together, boys. — @WFNYScott
The Player: Marshawn Lynch (2 votes)
The Box Score: 15 carries, 41 yards, 3 catches, 21 yards
Marshawn Lynch, you are one of the most menacing running backs I’ve ever seen. What happened this past Sunday night? Before I get started, I know none of this is your fault. Your delightful mother, Ms. Delisa Lynch, called for your offensive coordinator’s job, and I’m not mad at that. Fifteen carries and three catches are pretty cool and all, but you are Beast Mode. Someone that goes by “Beast Mode” should be fed the ball ad nauseam. I also noticed you fumbled, and that is something that you don’t do often. Did Russell put his Luster’s Pink Oil on the pigskin? If so, I’m pretty sure it was because you were playing the new Future and Drake mix tape What a Time to Be Alive. Marshawn, I know you’ll be back and ready to go next week — well I hope so, because my fantasy team needs you. — @Ron_Hamp
I love Marshawn Lynch with all of my football heart, and I wouldn’t even consider saying a bad word about him or anything he has done. That being said, I drafted him first overall so 33 carries for 114 yards and ZERO TOUCHDOWNS through two games is not exactly what I was hoping for. So am I mad at Marshawn? Never. He’s just ’bout that action, boss. And right now that action is all happening in the backfield because the IDIOT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS MANAGEMENT DOWNGRADED ITS OFFENSIVE LINE FOR AN AGING TIGHT END. Hey, Seattle front office — learn where your bread is buttered, you brain-dead boobs. You won a Super Bowl and went to another because of a BEAST (mode) of a running back and a dominant pass defense. Now you’ve got an offensive line that couldn’t block me and a Pro Bowl safety holding out … And WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU’RE 0-2. But I guess it’s cool because you’re probably just working out the chemistry between Russell Wilson and Jimmy Graham — I bet you guys did everything you could to get Jimmy involved on Sunday, right? That’s probably why Marshawn only got 15 carries. Let me see here … OH, WAIT — JIMMY GRAHAM GOT TWO TARGETS AND LAST YEAR’S TIGHT END LUKE WILLSON GOT FOUR TARGETS. Yeah, totally worth crippling your ability to block anyone ever. — @thekolsky
The Player: St. Louis Rams Defense
The Box Score: 24 points allowed, 2 sacks, 1 fumble recovery
After forcing Russell Wilson to scramble around like the micro-mini pimp himself, Money Mike aka Katt Williams, the Rams defense looked like it was making a claim to be the most ferocious defense in the NFC West. Boy was I fooled. The Rams took their talents to the nation’s capital and reverted back to being the Lambs, helping make Kirk freaking Cousins look like the next Mark Rypien. Seriously, y’all let Cousins sit back in the pocket and order Barack Obama all the Ben’s Chili Bowls. You don’t deserve the three points you somehow mustered after allowing Cousins to complete 23 of his 27 passes for 203 yards. Oh, and one week after bottling up Marshawn Lynch, you allow Matt Jones and Alfred Morris to combine for 182 yards and two touchdowns on 37 carries? I’m looking at you, Aaron Donald, Chris Long, Robert Quinn and the rest of you “Lambs.” Because of that putrid performance in the nation’s capital, Kevin Greene, Deacon Jones and Merlin Olsen are rolling over in their graves. CLEAN IT UP! — @BontaHill
The Player: Roddy White
The Box Score: 0 catches, 1 target
I really don’t understand, bro. You are the living embodiment of everything that is left of the UAB Blazers football program. You are its finest football export of all time. Yet, when you are given the opportunity to remind folks that you haven’t been left for dead, you go out here and only get one pass thrown your way? What did you do, man? Did you sleep with Matt Ryan’s wife? Did you go full Gilbert Arenas and drop a deuce in head coach Dan Quinn’s shoes? Did you make a wager with Leonard Hankerson to prove whether he could do your job as good as you? (Because, you know, that six-catch, 77-yard, one-TD performance would’ve been nice, bruh!) I really don’t understand. This is unacceptable, and if it happens again then I’ll have no choice but to start a change.org petition for you to cut those dusty braids off your head. Starting to look like Robert Griffin III out here. SMH. — @edthesportsfan
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”